


TMNT: Lullaby for Leo

by Yashiroreaper



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-02-05 23:34:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12804813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yashiroreaper/pseuds/Yashiroreaper
Summary: Leo and Raphael had been in love for a long time. Now, something happens to break them apart and they fight and bicker daily. Why did they begin to fight? Why did Raphael have a scar on his wrist? What is Raphael hiding from others?





	1. True Love's Plight

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.1~ True Love’s Plight

I ran after Mikey, we were playing tag and Mikey was really fast today. Don was being pushed by Mikey, even with Don slowing him down, I still couldn't catch him. Jumping I tagged him on the shoulder before falling onto the floor.

"Okay, Leo you got me," Mikey called, I got up and brushed myself off. 

"Hey, Mikey where's Raphie? I wanna see if he'll play with us," I asked.

"I think he went down the west tunnel, he said he was going for a walk," Mikey replied, nodding I walked towards the west tunnel.

"I'm gonna see if he'll play with us," I said, walking down the tunnel. I wonder what Raphie was doing, maybe he was listening to the human world again. He always did have a fascination for humans and anything topside.

"Lullaby for you and for all, may we all fall asleep tonight, if I fall someone will catch me and I will never fall again. Sleeping soundly under the stars, making wishes for a brighter start. Under the moon, we sing a lullaby for you and for all. Dancing quietly to your own beat, making moves that flow through all time. Singing softly, singing loud don't wake the child that sleeps so sound." Sang a mysterious voice, I stuck to the tunnel wall listening for the singing to start again.

"Lullaby for dear leader, fall asleep and don't wake up till the morrow, I shall stay awake in the night. Under the moon and sing a lullaby for my leader. Lullaby for my Leader, don't worry when the night is here, I'll sing softly as you sleep and no harm shall befall us. Lullaby please close your eyes I shall sing this till you fall asleep, so lullaby please close your eyes and I wish you great nights sleep. Lullaby my leader, my leader Leonardo. Lullaby for Leo, close your eyes till the morrow." the voice continued, was that Raphie? 

Prying myself from the wall I began to head down the tunnel till I reached a turn, peeking around the corner I saw Raph sitting beside a ladder from the sewer up to the human world. He was humming the tune to the song I had heard. He must have been the one singing it. But I never knew Raphie could sing!

"That was a pretty song you were singing Raphie," I said shyly, walking up to him. His face flushed and he looked away, I walked up to him and kneeled in front of him. Leaning towards him I gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "Thank you Raphie."

"No prob Leo and will ya stop looking at me like that, I swear sometimes I could mistake you for a girl." Raph groaned, his face still flushed I giggled and kissed his cheek again. 

"And will you stop doing that!"

"Your funny Raphie, come on let's go play tag with the others," I giggled getting to my feet, extending my hand towards Raphie. Raphie groaned and grabbed my hand, I helped him to his feet. 

"Don't tell anyone okay, I don't wanna look like a sissy," he muttered.

"Your secret is safe with me Raphie, just I wanna hear you sing that again, you have a really great voice. When we get bigger your voice will get even better and you'll look handsome too." I stated Raph's face flushed completely.

"What are you getting at Leo, are you saying you like me?" he mumbled.

"Yeah, I mean I think your great and I like being around you and..."

Raph pinned me to the wall of the tunnel, I could feel his breath on my lips. Was he going to kiss me? Wait, I want him to kiss me, maybe I do like him more than I though.

"If I kissed you on the lips right now would you fight it or kiss me back?" he asked, my face flushed.

"I would... I..." I stuttered, blushing, even more, I leaned in and kissed him, closing my eyes. He kissed back, I felt him cup my cheek with his hand. 

"Oh, Raphie and Leo are kissing! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Mikey yelled, I though Raphie would stop kissing me but he didn't he just kissed me even deeper. I opened my eyes in surprise, why wasn't he going after Mikey for teasing us! He broke our kiss just as I was about to lose my breath. We stood there our foreheads pressed against each other gasping for breath.

"So are you two in love?" Don asked. I flushed, hiding my face in Raph's chest.

"Only time will tell Don, but you and Mikey don't tell Splinter or I'll beat the living snot out of you two!" Raph answered, patting my back and stood me up again. He leaned towards me and whispered. " I'll sing you that song whenever you ask me to Leo." 

"Thank you Raphie," I breathed, as I put my hand to my lips still in a bit of shock.

(A few weeks later)

I heard a loud coughing sound, slowly I opened my eyes to see Raphie sitting up coughing into his hands. He was a bit flushed, was he sick? I rubbed my eyes, Raph was still coughing his head off.

"Raphie, are you okay?" I asked, sitting up I put my forehead on his to check for a fever. Well he definitely had a fever, he leaned down into my chest, he was still coughing a bit. 

"Leo," he wheezed, "I think I'm sick."

"Okay Raphie," I hushed, laying Raphie back down in bed. "Now Raphie try not to cough, I'll go get a wet cloth for your fever." 

I slipped out of bed and glanced at the clock, it was 1:00 am. Racing down the hallway I ran into the washroom, standing on my tippy toes I grabbed a face cloth. Turning on the cold water I soaked the cloth then ringed it out. Then I rushed back to me and Raphie's room, jumping onto our bed I set the cloth on Raphie's forehead. His breath was ragged, he coughed again closing his eyes.

"Leo, can you talk to me till I fall asleep," he breathed, I flushed.

"Of course but what do you want me to talk about?"

"Anything..."

"Raphie, umm..." I started, laying down beside him. "Raphie, I.. um.. I.. I love you, please feel better. Please go to sleep, I love you!" I cried, Raphie held me close humming that lullaby he sang.

Then he started coughing, my eyes widened, and I wiggled out of his arms. He sat up almost hacking up a lung, I let tears fall down my cheeks as I rubbed his back. Rubbing his back, I snuggled up to his body and pushed him onto his back.

"Please lay down on the bed," I instructed, He laid down and I put the cold cloth on his forehead. I laid down beside Raphie. "Go to sleep Raphie."

"Okay, night Leo," he mumbled, quickly falling into a sleepy daze.

(Splinter's POV)

I walked down the hall, I had heard some coughing coming from Leonardo and Raphael's room. Peering into their room I saw the two boys snuggled close, walking in I saw a wet cloth on Raphael's head, Leonardo seemed to have tears stains on his cheek. I should come in and check on Raphael in the morning. But it seems Leonardo has taken care of the matter for now.

(Mikey's POV)

Leo and Raph were pretty close now, they didn't fight anymore, but Splinter seemed to suspect something. If he found out Raphie and Leo were in love he would break them apart Daddy had made it clear, he would not accept such behavior. But Leo and Raph disobeyed him, not that I could blame them, I loved Donnie like that too. Donnie was just too shy to kiss me or let me kiss him, unlike Raph and Leo who kissed whenever they could.

"MichealAngelo could you please focus on the lesson, you can daydream later my son." Splinter said I snapped out of my thoughts. "Now can you please show us the move we have been practicing while you were daydreaming."

Frowning I looked at Leo for help, but he looked at me like he always did. I know we were learning the split kick, I hope I can do it on my first try. Jumping up I kicked out my legs perfectly straight then landed gently on my feet, I am so lucky I'm a natural at this kind of stuff.

"You're lucky you have talent or you wouldn't get anywhere cuz you're lacking in the brain department." Raph teased, I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Raphael it's your turn show us how far you got with the move," Splinter ordered, Raph frowned.

Raph jumped up kicked out at an almost split form and landed down with the grace of an elephant on skates. He looked at me angrily, he always hated my natural talent, but I guess he was trying to impress Leo. Which was a nearly impossible task, since Leo had pretty high standards, I don't even get how Raph can handle it. 

"Now the lesson is over you all are free to do as you like till lunch." Splinter stated, smiling I fled out the dojo doors. 

Freedom at last, lessons always felt like they lasted forever, still some days I got so bored during my free time I actually practiced. I shuddered at the thought moving toward the couch, a felt a hand grab my shoulder, turning I saw Don behind me.

"Mikey do you want to go for a walk?" Don asked he looked so handsome.

"Of course Donnie, can you give me a piggyback ride?" I asked, he chuckled and kneeled down.

Wrapping my arms around his neck he grabbed my thighs and carried me toward the front door. Donnie was so sweet, nobody else would listen to my imaginational rants except him. We loved the same shows and had a similar sense of humor. Even if I was dumb and he was a nerd he still loved me and could explain things to me that other people didn't have the patience to explain.

"Mikey, do you ever wish Splinter wouldn't mind if we fell in love with each other?" Don said I leaned my cheek on his shoulder.

"Uhuh, how come Daddy doesn't want us to fall in love with each other, I mean I love you, how can that be wrong," I replied.

"He thinks it's wrong because we're siblings, maybe not be by blood but still he see's it as wrong, actually most humans do too. It's called incest, in some places I heard it's illegal, which is ridiculous, I certainly don't see anything wrong with it."

"How come you never kiss me like Raphie kisses Leo?"

"Sensei told me if he found out any of us were kissing each other he'd send them to Japan to live with the Ancient One. I don't want to be away from you, I would rather get to see you every day then kiss you and be taken away."

"That's mean, does that mean he might send Leo or Raphie away, cuz they kiss a lot."

"I tried to tell Leo but Raph kept distracting him, I don't want to see one of us be sent away."

(Leo's POV)

Raph carried me down the tunnels, giggling I snuggled into the crook of his neck. He held me tighter, I bet he was blushing just like he did whenever I snuggled up to him. He loved to kiss me but whenever I snuggle up to him he would turn red as a tomato.

"Leo, we're gonna be together like this forever, right?" Raph asked I knew if Splinter found out we wouldn't be together anymore.

"I want to be with you forever, cuz I love you so much, but Raph what if Sensei finds out and tries to pull us apart," I replied.

"I would fight, and beg to be able to stay with you like this, cuz I don't ever wanna leave you." 

"Raph...."

He set me down gently turning to me he kissed me passionately, pulling me into a nice gentle embrace. Submitting to his kiss, I let him explore my mouth, but I also felt his hands traveling across my body. Pulling apart I saw his passionate red eyes stare into my eyes, it sent a tingle of pleasure up my spine.

"I love you Leo, and I swear I will never, ever stop loving you, I will love you till I die." 

"Raph... I... I love you too!" 

Flinging myself into his chest I sobbed, I wanted us to be able to stay like this forever. Splinter had told me a long time ago that he wouldn't accept a relationship like this, but I was willing to go behind his back just to be able to be like this with Raph.

"Stop crying Leo, I'm here and I'm not gonna go, well at least not without you."

"Raphie, why do you love me so much?"

"I love you because you mean everything to me and I just love to be with you."

"Can you hold me closer?"

"Of course Leo."

I stood there in his warm embrace, he began to sing to me, my legs felt like jello. Picking me up bridal style he sat down and sat me on his lap, leaning into his shoulder I listened to his beautiful voice sing another verse. 

"Raphie..."

"Leo, I love you."

"I-I love you too."

(Raph's POV)

Punching the bag again I swung my foot around to kick the punching bag into the wall. My body was sweaty and I knew I must smell but somehow every time I did this I could   
feel Leo gaze at me. Maybe that was why I spent an hour every day outside of practice to beat the heck out of this thing. I loved the attention and just to show off how strong I was to him.

Him watching me do this kinda gives me a feeling of closeness to him, and it kinda makes me feel manly. But I highly doubt that Leo will ever come and be horny after me doing this, but a boy can dream. I felt someone grab my arm as I went in to punch the bag, it was Leo and he was crying? What happened, I wrapped my arms around him shushing him, trying to form a lullaby in my head to sing.

"Raphie Splinter saw us..." he sobbed, curling into me more sobbing crazily.

"Saw us what, kissing?" I asked, hugging him worriedly.

"Uhuh, he said if we didn't stop he would send you away, I don't want you to go!" 

"I ain't going nowhere, stay here I'm gonna have a talk with Splinter."

Sitting him against the wall I kissed his wet cheeks lightly before storming into father’s room. He turned to me and frowned, I glared at him, making Leo cry was something that was unforgivable! My hands were in tight fists, Splinter stood up and glared back at me.

"My son what is the meaning of this anger?" he questioned, my blood was beginning to boil over.

"You said that if you ever caught me and Leo kissing again that you'd send me away, and that made him cry! Why should it matter if Leo and I are brothers or that we're both boys I love him, and I will never ever stop loving him! I swore to him I would fight for us and would never give up no matter what! Leave us alone, cuz we ain't doin' nothin' wrong!" I screamed, trying not to cry myself.

"Raphael you are too young to understand the meaning of those..."

"I understand what it means father, I love Leo and I will never ever hurt him! If I ever needed to I would give my life up for him without even hesitating, he means more to me than anything or anyone! I'm not a little kid anymore, please father I would rather die than be torn away from him!" 

"My son you are too young, I am demanding you stop this relationship with your brother or I will send you away!"

"I'll kill myself before I would end this or leave him!"

(Leo's POV)

Raph said he'd kill himself before he would leave me, I ran out of the dojo and jumped over to him gripping him tightly. I don't want you to leave or kill yourself, I would rather us be here together but not like this than him being sent away or he actually killing himself. I don't want him to die!

"Raph please stop this you can't kill yourself you can't!" I sobbed, I saw tears fall down Raphie's cheeks.

"Calm down Leonardo he doesn't mean it, he just hoped he could fool me into changing my decision, but I will not!" Splinter stated, Raph turned to me and fell down.

Hugging him I heard him whispering I love you's into my chest, would Raph really kill himself. My eyes shut, and I sobbed loudly he pulled me into his own chest, unable to stop his own crying to comfort me. Splinter pulled us apart, pulling Raphael away I reached toward him weakly, but Splinter held me back.

"Leonardo stay right there, do you understand, if you move I will send Raphael away." Splinter growled I let my head hang low as I sobbed.

"Leo, what's going on are you alright?" Mikey asked he sounded scared.

"Mikey, go stay with Don, Splinter will be mad if you stay, i-it'll be alright." I soothed, I could hear him run off. 

Sitting up I tried to regain my composure only to fail miserably, cursing my weakness I kneeled and gripped my hands onto my thighs my head hung low. I let myself continue to cry onto my own legs, I could hear a door slam and lock. Splinters footsteps entered the room, I kept my head low as he kneeled down in front of me.

"Leonardo if I ever find out that you and Raphael have been kissing or anything like that I will send him away, this is my warning. I want you to regain your composure and play with your siblings Raphael will be grounded. Tomorrow I will be giving you all separate rooms." he lectured, I nodded and sniffled.

"F-father please can't I go in and calm down Raph, please I swear I won't kiss him or let him kiss me, please I just wanna make him stop crying," I begged, looking into father's cold eyes.

"You may, only because I trust you." he replied, bowing I ran toward our room and unlocked the outside lock and walked in.

"Raphie?" I said, searching the black room for him.

Turning around I flicked the switch, I saw Raph lying on the ground but there was blood around him. I screamed and ran to his side crying, removing my mask I tied up his wrist which he had sliced with his sai. putting pressure on the wound I stared sadly at Raph's out-cold body. The door swung open and I saw Splinter knelt down beside Raph.

"Go away, it's your fault, it's your fault if he dies!" I screamed, holding Raph's wrist tighter hoping to stop the blood flow.

"Leo!" Don called, he ran over to me and stared at Raph. "Keep applying pressure I'll get some gauze bandages to wrap it up in."

Don frantically searched in his first aid for the desired item as Mikey lead Splinter out of the room crying the whole time. Don removed my hands from Raph's wrist and quickly rewrapped the wound tightly and heavily. Once he had finished he helped me lift him on the bed, crawling up beside Raph I covered him up and laid down next to him touching his wrist.

"Please don't let Splinter in here..." I pleaded, Don checked Raph's pulse.

"I won't, Raph's heart beat in slowing down to a normal rate, but he'll probably be out for a few days. Do you want me to bring you some supper later?" he explained.

"No, I don't wanna eat till Raphie wakes up," I said, he nodded and left the room shutting the door behind him. "Please Raphie don't die, I don't wanna be without you."

(Mikey's POV)

Leo refused to eat supper again tonight even though he had no breakfast or lunch; how long was he going to keep this up. I don't understand what's happening one-minute everything's all fine and dandy then Leo's crying and then Raph tries to kill himself. How the hell am I supposed to cheer everyone up when my own brother tried to kill himself and the guy who loves him refuses to eat.

"Mikey are you alright?" Don asked, sitting down beside me.

"Well, I have a brother who refuses to eat because another brother tried to kill himself and I don't even know why Leo won't talk to Splinter or let him near Raph. Other than that though, I'm peachy." I growled, Don hugged me gently.

"Splinter found out that Leo and Raph were kissing so he told them to break up or he'd send Raphie away. Raphie said he would rather die than leave or break up with Leo, so when Sensei locked him in his room he wanted to kill himself for not being able to fight off Sensei and stay with Leo. Or at least that's why I think he tried to kill himself, it was the logical reason."

"So, it's all Daddy's fault just like Leo said if Raphie dies."

"Yeah, can't he see that he made a mistake and that maybe we should be allowed to fall in love with each other."

(Leo's POV)

"I'll sing for you Raphie," I stated, gently touching his face. "I miss you and I miss that smile, please don't leave me now cuz I've cried all the tears I can, why did try to leave, cuz I'm not going nowhere, no matter the distance or the way the path go's, if it leads to you, I'll be there, I'll be there."

Gently I traced his face, moving in I placed my beak rough against his; our lips touched, and I kissed him softly. A pit formed in my heart as he made no effort to kiss me back, was he ever going to wake up it's been three days. Gently I traced his muscular arms, they didn't try to pull me into his chest either, frowning I laid down and closed my eyes. I let myself drift to sleep my hand gripping his.


	2. He's Awake

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.2~ He’s Awake 

Moaning in pain I sat up my head felt woozy and my body felt contracted and sluggish. I turned to see Leo lying next to me his hand holding mine which had thick gauze bandages around my wrist, who saved me. I turned to see his blue mask now stained red in place, he did it, he saved me. I let my head hang low as tears filled my eyes; god I'm a fucking idiot. 

Rubbing away my tears with the back of my free hand I sobbed, holding onto Leo's hand tightly with my other hand. I felt his hand grip mine and I turned to see him looking at me happily, seeing my tears he sat up and wiped them away with his thumb. I bite my lip as he moved in and kissed my forehead, blushing I tried to speak but failed.

"Please don't ever do that again Raphie, I had been so worried about you! Don't you think that it's better for you to stay here so we can be able to see each other every day and not be like this than you be sent away and still not be like this? Killing yourself isn't even an option, only people weak in coping skills think as death as a solution. It is not honorable, and if you died I would want to go with you!" he cried, tears filling his own eyes, crying more I leaned my forehead against his.

"I'm sorry Leo, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought that if I killed myself I...... Hell, I don't know what the hell I was thinking all I know is that I wanted to end the pain, and if you're dead you can't feel anything. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." I sobbed, he wiped away his tears he sat on my lap.

Blushing madly, I felt him cup my cheeks with his hands, leaning in he pressed his lips against mine, for the first time I submitted to the kiss and let Leo lead. Our tongues touched and danced together as Leo kissed me deeper and with more passion. Pulling apart he kissed my lips quickly before leaning back and staring at me, his gaze was loving, soft and innocent. 

"I can see why you like to lead now, that felt good and I thought you hated when I lead at anything," Leo stated I swear my face was probably as red as a tomato. "Can I kiss you again?"

"If you wanna kiss me, kiss me already," I replied.

Pushing me light down on the bed Leo hovered over me, he plunged toward me kissing me fiercely. His tongue traced my mouth searching for my tongue, our tongues met and began to dance again. My eyes opened to stare at him, his eyes were closed tight, and he was flushed a bit too. Turning away from the kiss out of breath I felt him kiss my jaw, sitting back up on my lap he shifted making me moan again. Noticing that this made me moan Leo moved on me like that again, sitting up I let my face snuggle into his shoulder.

"After tonight we can't kiss or do stuff like this anymore, so do what to do anything special tonight?" Leo asked I flushed cuddling closer to his chest.

"I wanna lay with you, talk and I want you to kiss me..." I answered, looking up at him.

"Anything for you Raphie."

(Leo's POV)

Raph has healed up pretty good, it's been almost four months since he had tried to commit suicide. He's been upset with the new rules, last night I had to lock him out of my room again, he kept knocking on my door and wanting to sleep with me. Even if he had a nightmare I had to refuse him entry, one night after I thought he had gone back to his room I found him asleep on the floor outside my room. But almost every day if he can get me alone he tells me that he still loves me, but I can never reply. I'm so scared that Splinter will send him away if I respond, one night he sang the lullaby that he sang when we fell in love outside my room.

"Leo, I know you aren't gonna let me inside but please just listen to me, I was thinking maybe we can run away. I can find us a place to stay and we can be together again, what do you think?" Raph explained, walking to the door I knelt down in front of it.

"What would we do for food or warmth Raph, we can't survive down here on our own." I rebutted.

"Damn... so there really is no escape unless he changes his mind," Raph muttered, I heard something scrape against the door and hit the concrete floor.

"Raph I'm sorry I can't respond when you tell me you still love me, but I don't want you to be sent away. But I want you to know that I miss you a lot and I really care about you, same as a did before." 

"I hate this."

"I know, so do I, but one of us has to stop the other from getting you sent away."

"Yeah, maybe when we get older Splinter will let us be together, cuz no matter how long this dumb rule is in place I will still love you I swear. You're the one person I care about more than anything, and that will never ever change."

"Thank you Raphie, I promise that I'll never stop loving you no matter what too."

I touched the door sadly, I just wanted to hug him or at least be able to see his face. I let myself begin to sob, my fist light pounding on the door. Noticing my sobs, he responded by singing to me without speaking words. Continuing this manner of singing he began to pat a soft beat.

"Fleeting whispers in the dark of night, water droplets from your eyes, sleeping willows forgetting time. Night's fair moon singing a lullaby, lover of mine fall into your bed of clouds. Let your eyes close and drift into a peaceful rest, sing with the larks in the moonlight, listen to the croak in darkness, old weeping willows cry out and add to the harmony of the dead. Sleep darling sleep, for the night, has cometh, sleep for me and rest in peace."

His voice began to sing in an opera like a soprano, staggering to my feet I walked over to my bed and hid under the covers. I let his sweet voice lull me into sleeping bliss.

(Raph's POV)

Singing softly in an arpeggio outside his door, I could tell that Leo had fallen asleep, slowly I got to my feet. In almost a zombie-like fashion I walked back to my room, I smashed into my door to open it. Flopping onto my bed I let the rough fabric of my blanket scrape against my face, I hate not being with him. Slowly I roll over and examine my wrist, this was the evidence of about the dumbest decision I have EVER made in my life. Rubbing my face in tired annoyance let my eyes close and I sat up quickly to punch the bed hard. 

I can't help not being annoyed, I almost left Leo for good because I was being a moron. Now I can't be close to him, Splinter was ruining our lives; I've been so on edge since that day I keep getting mad and doing something bad. Unlike before Leo can't run after me to comfort me, Don tries and so does Mikey, but they don't get me like Leo does. Covering myself in my blanket I buried my face into my pillow, pulling my journal from underneath my pillow I began to write.

'12:00pm, June 6;

I did it again, during practice I blew my top and I tossed Mikey into a wall, he bumped his head and it's all my fault. So, I ran away to my hideout, no one came but I didn't think they would only Leo knows where my hideout is, and he can't come get me. After an hour or so I came back home, I apologized to Mikey and now I have to wake up at 4:00 am to do extra meditation as punishment after Splinter made me do 46 back flips. Seriously I hate him so much if he wasn't my father and sensei I might actually think of killing him. (not that I could take him anyways) Leo cried tonight, he hates it too, but I guess being the older one he is a lot more mature about this than I am. The pit in the bottom of my heart won't go away, even when I think that someday we can be together again it never seems to fill the void.'

I tapped the pencil against my chin trying to think of anything I need to say about the day. Realizing there was nothing left I signed the entry and returned my journal and pencil to their hiding space. Laying down I closed my eyes and let myself drift to sleep.

(Later)

Moaning I pulled up the weights up again if I keep training maybe someday I can stand up to sensei. Every day I ask to have a sparring match with sensei every day so that when I get strong enough then I'll know. I'm far from it now, sensei can still beat me while enjoying his tea or reading a book.

But I will never give up, I'll keep trying because I fight for something I hold very dear. Everything has been falling apart though; my time is short; we argue, and fight and I hate it. I see his true colors at night though, even if I only sense them through the door I at least know that there is still hope. Hope that we can be together again; that I can stop being such an idiot and be able to be with my love. 

"Raphael, I am glad you take much time to practice but I believe you should do what you want now and give your muscles a break from that heavy lifting." Splinter advised I gritted my teeth.

"No thanks, this is what I want to do and if I give my muscles a break then they won't be tough enough, which means I won't be strong enough," I replied, lifting my weights back up.

"My son you will hurt your muscles if you lift weights too long, you are still too young to lift that much weight for long periods of time." 

Father grabbed my dumbbell and set it on the rack, frowning I moved over to go beat the snot out of my punching bag. He left the room knowing he couldn't make me stop doing some form of training and that my next option was the lesser of two evils. Getting into a proper stance I began to beat on the punching bag with my fists.

"Raphie please come out of the dojo; I know you're probably mad at me, but I hate to see you do this to yourself." Leo pleaded I let my arms go limp as I turned to look at my love.

"I'm not mad at you Leo, I'm mad at Sensei; and what am I doing that's so bad, is me training extra so bad." I soothed, I turned to face him completely; but he looked about ready to cry.

"You may have fooled everyone else that all you're doing is extra training, but I know you; I am asking you to please stop beating yourself up and practicing because you feel weak, just because you couldn't stop Sensei."

"So, what if I am; maybe I'll become strong enough to win you back."

"Or maybe the person I love will get so caught up in their anger that I won't get to see that side of you I fell in love with. You've become so cold, I hate it, I want you to be yourself again. I hate to see the person I love close themselves off from the world and its joys. Please, I want to see you smile again; I'm scared I'll lose you and that gentle side that loved me and that I loved."

Leo's eyes began to water up, I bite my lip and cursed on how much I was hurting the person I loved. I wrapped my arms around him hugging him gently, I don't care if sensei sees us I need to make my love stop crying. His hands gripped my shell as he silently sobbed.

"Stop crying Leo, I won't lose that side of me I swear, I'm just so mad at father; I wish I could hate him right now."

"I know; we just have to move forward and someday in the future we can be together again."

Letting go of me he moved away wiping his tears on his forearm he turned around and slowly walked away. I wanted to run up and stop him and hold him for a while longer, but I knew I couldn't; which made me mad. Spinning around I kicked the punching bag so hard it almost hit the ceiling; no matter what Splinter says I will earn him back; no matter what.

(Leo's POV)

We had another fight today, this one was really bad he left the lair in a huff and he still hadn't come home. Hoping he would come back soon I kept a keen ear out for the door opening as I leaned against my bedroom wall. Our fights had become more than us just having our voices raised a bit, I screamed at him and he yelled back; then right before he left we got into a bit of a fist fight. Gently I touched the bruise that had formed on my cheek from his last punch; Don stopped us by getting in between us and pushing us apart. 

Raph looked horrified at what he did when we had gotten calmed down, Don was just about to lecture us a bit when Raph ran out of the lair. I could tell father knew me and Raph were fighting but he never once came up to stop us, he left it all up to Don. After I apologized to Don for making him have to stop us from fighting I went to my room. He told me later through the door that he wanted me to try to get along with Raph again. Could me and him ever get along again without us sneaking behind father's back again?

I heard the main door open, I froze up how can I apologize to him; his footsteps padded up the stairs and headed towards my door. A light rap at the door made my heart skip a beat, getting shakily to my feet I opened up the door. We just stared at each other in silence, neither of us knew how to start.

"I'm sorry." we said in sync, we stared at each other and he pointed at me as if telling me to start.

"I'm sorry, please tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can stop and make me and you be able to be happy again. I hate fighting with you." I sobbed, he frowned and wiped my tears away with his thumbs.

"It's not your fault Leo, I'm just... I'm sorry I've been so mad that I aimed it at you, I'm so sorry, I want us to get along again, I hate fighting with you too. Forgive me, Leo, I should never taken my anger out on you, I never wanted to hurt you, not ever." he apologized, he looked so hurt and sad.

His hand stroked the bruise he gave me, grabbing his wrist I held his hand in place. I pulled him into my room, he shut the door and I leaned against a wall as Raph came close rubbing my injured cheek. Kissing my cheek he moved in to kiss my lips but I moved my head so he just kissed my other cheek, he sighed.

"I get it no kissing you on the lips." he sighed, he gave me a kiss on my forehead before moving away.

"I doubt we'll be able to stop from fighting with his rule in place, but no matter how much we may fight I'll still love you," I muttered, he moved over and kissed my cheek again.

"That's what I hate about all this, it makes me mad and I hurt you when I'm mad and that makes me more mad which makes me hurt you more. I hate it! Why can't I stop hurting you?" he sobbed, he turned away from me, he must be crying.

"Raph you only hurt me when hurt yourself," I stated, quickly he snatched me up and pulled me into a tight hug and he held me close as he sobbed. "I love you."

"Me too, I'm sorry if I ever, EVER hurt you again." he cried as he pulled me tighter into his loving but rough embrace. I let a few tears roll down my cheeks as he held me, and I buried my head into his shoulder gripping onto him tightly.

(Splinters POV)

Walking into Leonardo's room I saw Raphael holding Leonardo in his arms; they were not obeying my rule. They both had tears in their eyes and Raphael was holding Leonardo tightly. Just tonight I will leave them be it's just the face that Raphael has on is just so.. tragic. Covering the two sleeping boys in a blanket I walked off and shut the door behind me, for my sons I will forget this night ever happened...

(Raphael's POV)

I awoke to feel Leo shifting in my hold, opening my eyes I peered over his sleeping form to look at his alarm clock. 2:12 am; why did I wake up this early? Gazing down at Leo's sleeping form I saw his smaller body cuddled against mine, his head lay on my shoulder. I wish this was how I would wake up every day, but Splinter's damn rule was preventing that dream. Sadly, I slipped out of the bed, careful I didn't wake Leo and snuck out of the room. 

"I hate father and I hate being angry; maybe if stopped caring about anything or anyone I could be free from all this pain. Who am I kidding I couldn't stop caring about people, Leo was always right I'm just a big softie underneath. I'm just too weak of a person, I kinda wish he didn't save me but just seeing him makes me so glad and to be alive. God, I'm so hopelessly in love." I sobbed, tears ran down my cheeks like waterfalls as roughly tried to wipe them away.

Knock! Knock! Shit, that must be one of my brothers, maybe Leo woke up or Mikey or Don had a nightmare. I tried to regain my composure only to fail miserably maybe if I don't respond they'll leave. Silently I crawled into bed and curled myself under my blanket; give me one gift right now karma, don't let my brothers see me like this.

"Raphael it's okay my son, it is only me, I wish to know why you are crying?" Splinter asked, getting up my blankets wrapped around me I opened the door.

"Dad, why are you doing this to us? I just wanna be able to be happy and not feel pain because I love someone, Dad please it hurts." I cried, he hugged me close and picked me up rocking me slowly and softly.

"My son pain always has a meaning, you may not realize it now but I only want what is best for you and your siblings, even if it hurts at the start is has to purpose. Now stop crying my little one, calm yourself and go to sleep." he hushed, I gripped onto his robes grabbing a bit of his fur along with it.

"Dad, am I bad?"

"Of course not Raphael, you have done nothing bad you have only tried to grow up too fast. Now time for you to go to sleep young one..."

Sniffling I snuggled into father fur, even though I want to hate him, I want to be mad I still need him to calm me down. Please let this pain go away, I want to be able to love again, to feel again without all the pain. Daddy take away my pain, I don't want to hurt anymore; Daddy save me!

Author's Note: When I wrote this chapter I cried or choked up a few times so I hope you like it and wrote one comment!


	3. Does it hurt?

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.3~ Does it hurt?

"Yo fearless, you can suck it cuz I ain't gonna take any more of this smug leader bullshit!" I yelled, pointing to my crotch.

Leo glared at me, he was gonna suck it whether he liked it or not someday; I'm tired of him being such a suck up. He still likes me and he knows it. I'm gonna prove to him that he's still mine. Something he had forgotten after Splinter caught me making out with him, nothing was gonna make me give him up.

"Raph how many times do I have to tell you I'm your leader and you have to listen to what I say when Splinter isn't home! You're not sneaking out while I'm in charge, so you can put that macho ego away and stay here!"

"Oh, I'm so scared what you gonna do Splinta junior; you gonna tell Daddy, I ain't letting you lead, and hey I bet six months ago you would have sucked it! So, take that fearless!"

"I wouldn't suck an arrogant hotheaded idiot like you if my life depended on it!"

"Oh really, I bet if I did this you would change your mind."

I grabbed his arm and moved in to kiss him, as soon as my lips touched his he kissed back for only a millisecond before pushing me away. He looked away from me shaking, I grabbed his chin and forced his brown eyes to look at me. His face had a stain of terror mixed in, but then that fear turned it rage as he slapped me as hard as he could. Before I can even think I punched at him, missing I hit the brick wall behind him, the anger turned into fear and concern.

"Raph, don't do this..."

"How can you be so cold, you gave up on us like an old broken toy. You think that's how you treat someone you love after someone tells you that it's wrong." 

My lips captured his in a kiss I pushed him against the wall, I could tell he was crying but I just couldn't go back not after I had come so far. He opened his mouth for me and moaned softly, I knew he had wanted this too. His hands went to my plastron and pushed me away, he covered his mouth and looked like he was disgusted with himself, but his eyes told me he wanted more.

"You know we can't do this you hothead, I... I... I hate you!" 

In blind fury I pinned him to the wall, he looked terrified and apologetic about what he had just said, my anger softened. Until I felt him try to push me away again, I held him tighter, he looked at me tears falling down his cheeks.

"Don't you dare say that, don't you dare lie to yourself and me, now will you just drop this act."

"Let me go Raph! You've done enough already, I'm not doing this because I was told to, I'm doing this because I have to. And if you can't see that, then you're more of an idiot then I thought you were."

I squeezed his arms tighter I watched him whimper in pain, my hands squeezed harder, my eyes widened as I let him go. He sank to his knee's whimpering between sobs, what have I done. I hurt him, god I'm such an idiot, tears filled up in my eyes as I ran out of the lair, my mind rushed as I made my way through the maze of tunnels.

(Leo's POV)

I felt a hand gently touch my shoulder I looked up to see Don kneeling in front of me, a box of tissues in his hands. Grabbing a few I began to rub the tears from my face and the snot from my beak. Why couldn't I have just let him kiss me, I wanted it just as much as he did.

"Leo, I sent Mikey after Raph, how are your arms do they hurt?" Don said I shook my head sniffling. "I don't get Splinter, he split you two apart for no more than an idea, you two had something really great, you barely ever fought, and you were happy. It was stupid of him to break that apart, I know many people don't think it's right but all we have is each other, he's pretty much telling us we'll only have our hands."

"Donnie, you don't have to make what we had seem right," I sniffled, Don looked at me funny.

"What you think I'm a homophobe or something, I feel the same way with Mikey, we may not kiss but I was scared of what sensei would do if we got caught." 

"You're in love with Mikey?"

"Yep, have been for a while, we just kept it a secret because we were scared that Splinter would find out. Now you should probably give your nose I blow after all that crying."

"Thanks."

I grabbed another tissue and began to blow my nose, me and Raph should be happy just being together. But Raph hates to be controlled, he likes to do as he pleases I think he wants to kiss me more now because Splinter told him he couldn't. 

(Raph's POV)

Fear was all I had as the big man tossed me into the back of a van, I watched the doors shut. My soaked skin dripped water droplets onto the steel floor below me. I loud rumble signified the van's engine starting, a sharp turn of the van sent me sprawling into the wall. What were they going to do with me?

"Leo, damn, I'm such a moron," I muttered.

I remembered the way I had kept him against the wall made me shiver with a small sensation of delight and arousal. I panted a bit, my hands began to fight against my chains, damn I wanted to jerk off. More than I had since I had found some porn magazines in a dumpster, thinking about Leo always made me like this.

The cold steel soothed my aching body, tears streamed down my face, I never wanted anything more then I wanted to see Leo right now. Even if I couldn't kiss him, I just wanted to give him a hug and talk to him, all I ever wanted was to be close to him. But this body yearned for him and it seemed above my ability to stop wanting to kiss him. 

"Lullaby please close your eyes, I won't be back tonight, sorry my love for I could not stay, please don't cry tonight. So long my love, till again we meet, I'm scared behind the cloak of night, may I see you again." I sang softly, slowly I began to sob.

This must be a nightmare, these guys are going to rip me apart, I can't die, not yet. Leo, I don't want to die, please help me, god this must be what hell is like. It'll probably hurt a lot when they kill me, more than I've ever hurt before. I felt a strong shiver crawl down my spine and this cold emptiness in the pit of my heart. This is what it would have been like if I had really succeeded in killing myself six months ago.. 

(Leo's POV)

I felt like I had been running for hours, Mikey came back without seeing a trace of Raph, this can't be happening. Where could that moron have run off to, I hope he didn't go to the surface and get captured by humans. Or maybe he ran off to kill himself he always was over sensitive and told him I hated him, which I didn't, I loved him more than anything in the world. Please don't let him be dead already or let him even have tried to commit suicide.

"Raph! I don't hate you, I... I... I love you!" I yelled; falling to my knees a sobbing wreck.

My heart felt like it had been ripped in half, I had searched every tunnel I had even gone far past Splinter's boundaries for us. Choking down a sob I began to rub my tears away only to sob out buckets more. I now knew why Raph looked at his wrist so often he was hating who was becoming. Maybe death would have been easier than this, for both of us.

(Don's POV)

Splinter was furious as he dragged Leo into the lair, Leo seemed sad and a bit flustered, Mikey hid behind me scared of what was about to happen. This was not going to end well, Leo was going to start crying again and since Raph was still missing I wondered if I had the ability to stop his tears. I highly doubt I could, he looked half dead behind those sad brown eyes.

"Leonardo, you know you are not allowed to go past the boundaries, and I heard you had a fight with Raphael." Splinter growled, Leo seemed angry.

"Aren't you gonna look for Raphie, he's still lost you can lecture me later, but we need to find him." Leo cried, tears falling down his cheeks.

"Go to your room Leonardo, Donatello I want you to watch over Leonardo, make sure he doesn't leave his room, I must go look for Raphael." Splinter bellowed, nodding I watched him rush out the door to search for Raph. 

Leo walked toward his room sadly, I bite my lip knowing there wasn't much I could do now, Mikey hide behind me shaking like a leaf. Splinter had become so mean since he had learned that Raph and Leo had been kissing and were in love now he took even a hug wrong and would punish them. 

"Donnie, is Daddy gonna send Leo or Raphie away?" Mikey asked.

"I really don't know Mikey, I really don't know..." I replied.

(Raph's POV)

I felt my legs were spread open by these holsters, my arms strapped to the table and my legs strapped to the holsters. Feeling something cut into my crotch area, I couldn't feel any pain, this air they had me hooked to, must have some sort of numbing drug in it. Well at least this didn't hurt, a hand went into the hole they had cut, I squirmed in discomfort. What the hell were they doing to me?!"

"Seems like this boy has a uterus inside him, should we test it to see if he could bear children?" One of the doctors asked.

"Yes, get some sperm from one of his sacks, this should prove fairly useful if he could bear children." a voice replied.

Bear kids but I'm a guy, how can I have a uterus or bear kids, I mean I've jerked myself off before, how could I have a uterus. I struggled against my restraints, one of the doctors removed the mask I had now with another one, my eyes became heavy. Slowly I slipped unconscious, damn these assholes.

(Leo's POV)

I sat in bed, Splinter had come home without Raph, he told me this gave me a big lecture on how my feelings and behavior with Raph had been wrong. I pounded my fists against my mattress, I was so scared that Raph could be dying or already dead. Splinter punished me so search for my own brother. I would have done the same if it had been Mikey or Don, what did I do wrong?!

Before Splinter had found out about us Raph always told me as much as possible that he loved me, I had been a bit mean to him. He gave me all his love and then when Splinter found out, I dumped him like an old toy, I even rejected him from coming to me after he had a nightmare. Even after all that he still loves me, I had been a horrible lover to him, yet he still gave me all the love in the world.

"I'm sorry Raph, please come back I want to kiss you, I don't care about what Splinter thinks I just want to kiss you and hold you again." I sobbed, hugging my knees to my chest I began to cry again.

(Raph's POV)

The pain hit me like a train as I tried to sit up, those bastards did something to me, cringing I began to examine the room I was in. All the walls were pearly white, even the bed and sheets were white, I could see what looked like a crib and a dresser across from my bed. This all must be my imagination, there is no way I can or could be having a baby, I'm a guy, not a girl.

"So, you're awake, in a few weeks we shall find out if you're going to have a child." a voice said, I scanned the room but saw no one. 

That's when I noticed it, there was a speaker on the ceiling and cameras viewing the entire room. This can't be happening, I'm going to wake up back home with Mikey jumping on me to wake up for practice, not in some lab apparently waiting to see if I'll get pregnant. Growling I stuck my tongue out at a camera, this better be a dream, I'm a man, not a woman, and only women can have babies. God how the hell is this happening!?

(Leo's POV)

It's been a few weeks since Raph disappeared, I spent almost every night in Raph's room. His blankets and pillows still smelled like him, it made my sleep come easier when I was surrounded by his scent. Raph was the love of my life, he meant everything to me, and now it looks like I may never see him again. Curling up in a ball in his bed I began to sob, his comforting scent couldn't fill the empty gap in my heart his disappearance had created. 

I turned teary-eyed to the clock, it was about 1:45 am, I wrapped my arms around his pillow and began to sob into it. Most of my nights were spent like this, crying in his bed, and others I would sleep and have terrible nightmares. These were the nights I preferred, my nightmares made me unable to function, I wouldn't eat, or sleep, terror crept up behind me all throughout the day. 

The door creaked open and I heard footsteps approach me, a large furry hand gently rubbed my head. Splinter must have heard me crying and come to check on me, I looked up at him my tear-filled eyes blurring my vision. He looked down at me sadly, Splinter had stopped lecturing me about sleeping in Raph's room after I had fainted from exhaustion during practice. 

Before I began to sleep in here, I spent all night training and almost all day, one day I just collapsed; I woke up in here. Now almost all my free time is spent in this room, I sleep better in here, all Raph's things helped me cope with him being gone. One day I spent all afternoon reading through Raph's journal I had found hidden under his bed. It had been about how he felt when we were together and how he felt when we were split apart, somehow this had made me feel closer to him. 

"Leonardo it's late you should be asleep..." Splinter soothed, I frowned.

"I want Raphie back, if it wasn't for your stupid rule we would have never fought and he never would've run away..." I sobbed, Splinter frowned.

"Leonardo, you and Raphael were fighting about my no kissing rule..."

"Uhuh, Raphie kissed me, but when I tried to obey your rule I got upset and I told him I hated him, he got really mad. He ran off after he had squeezed my arms so tight that he almost cut off the blood flow. If it wasn't for that dumb rule I wouldn't have to stop Raphie from kissing me, cuz he loves me and I love him, we were happy till you broke us apart!"

"My son..."

"I want Raphie back, I want the person I love back, I hate this! What if he's dead, what then?! I don't want to live without him, he's all I want, I want my Raphie back!"

I pulled the blankets over my head, I knew Splinter was mad at me, but it was all true, Raph and I had been happy. Now he was gone, and it was all because of that stupid rule, if he was dead then I didn't want to live. I would rather die than live in a world without my Raphie, at least if I died I would get to be with him.

"Leonardo please don't think like that, if Raphael was dead do you think he would want you to die. I think he would want you to live a long happy life, not end it. What would Donatello and Michelangelo do without you, especially if they have already lost Raphael."

"Go away."

I listened as Splinter left the room, my heart began to break again, sobbing was all I could do. How could I live my life without Raphael, he was my love, my first and only one? Curling up into a tight ball, I smelled the blankets. Raph's scent kept me from grabbing a kunai and killing myself right now, I could almost hear him singing to me.

"Lullaby please close your eyes, I'm all alone tonight. Where are you, please don't be dead. I need my lover tonight, come back home, where it is safe, I really need you tonight." I sung, hugging my knees as I sobbed.

(Raph's POV)

My legs were spread apart on the holsters again, they had me pee in a cup earlier now I could feel a metal stick poking me in my lower region. I wanted to see Leo even if he was a suck up and didn't want to be with me anymore, I just wanted to be near him. This place was like hell on earth, I was constantly watched, and I never dared to say anything. No way was I going to let them know there were others like me, it was bad enough they had me in here.

"Will you please say something young one, I know you can speak," the voice said.

Well if I was going to say anything it would be to tell this fucker off, but I guess that wasn't the best thing to do. Squirming as something entered me, but it didn't feel like it was in my ass, the hole seemed tight around the small metal stick. Was I getting a vagina now, maybe that's why I had woke up one morning my sheets covered in blood?

"You talked when we caught you, talk now." the voice growled.

"Fuck you!" I shouted the doctor looked at me shocked that I had responded to the man.

"Such a tongue on you, we'll have to clean up your vocabulary."

"Well I wouldn't be so pissed if you didn't have a metal stick in me, or could ya at least tell me what you want with me, you spineless punk!" 

"Well, at least we know you can speak..."

"Now can you tell this bastard to get this fucking stick out of me, I'm starting to get a pedophilic vibe from you people." 

"He has to do some test to make sure everything goes alright; do you have a name kid?"

"I ain't a kid I'm thirteen years old and my names Raphael, you spineless little shit!"

"You have such a foul mouth, but I guess you would talk well enough for the barracks."

I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, I shot up and the doctor stood back in almost feared motion. Panting I gripped my knees to keep myself sitting up, the doctor didn't dare move close to me again, slowly I began to unhook my feet from the holsters.

Humans fear what they don't understand that's why we couldn't live above ground with normal people, I had learned this long ago. But I knew men who could do me harm would turn their fear into hate, this doctor couldn't fight me, so he was scared but I won't leave the room. An armed guard would kill me in a second, but there was no way I was letting this guy keep probing me.

"Please let me go back to my room, I'm sick of having someone shove a metal stick inside me. You can check me another way, you creeper fuckers," I hissed.

"Dr. Johnson calm down, he won't hurt you he is just a child having a temper tantrum." the voice soothed.

"But sir," the doctor started.

"He is only a child; don't tell me you're scared of a child." the voice mocked.

Damn these fuckers. I want to go home!

(Mikey's POV)

Leo was falling apart, it was almost as bad as Raph being gone, Leo was fading away right in front of us. He refused to eat dinner today and when I tried to bring him leftovers he was curled up in Raph's blanket teary-eyed reading Raph's journals. I swear he was like a zombie, his skin was getting a grayer tint to it every day and he refuses to talk to Splinter. I'm scared that he's just gonna fade away and I can't do anything to help.

"Mikey, are you okay?" Don asked, sitting down beside me.

"Donnie, I'm scared, Leo's fading away and we can't do anything, and what about Raph what if he's really dead!" I sobbed, he pulled me close, shushing me gently.

"It'll be okay Mikey," he soothed.

"No it won't, Leo's fading away and we can't do anything! We need Raphie! Leo needs Raphie! I hate this!" I cried, Don hugged me closer.

"I know Mikey, Raphie will come back I'm sure that moron loves Leo too much to stay away long, even if he's trapped that hothead will find a way back home. You'll see Leo will be able to smile, laugh and play again soon, now come on a smile, for me."

I smiled weakly for Don, smiling back he kissed my forehead, I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him. He gently held me close, his hands rubbed the back of my head soothingly. Closing my eyes, I felt myself drift to sleep in his warm embrace.


	4. The baby

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.4~ The baby

I gently rubbed my hand over my round stomach, this is really how my life came to be. Come on I used to be a big tough kid who was madly in love with a girly guy who was my boss now I'm stuck in this hellhole pregnant. If I used to be a girl this wouldn't be that bad, but I'm a fucking dude, how the hell am I gonna get out of here to get to the love of my life. Fuckity fuck fuck. Not only am I pretty much a fucking chick now they removed my shell nearly taking my spine with it! Hell, why do I even give a shit about this kid in me, all I should be thinking about is escaping and getting back to Leo. I shouldn't care at all for this child, then why do I feel like this, has my heart betrayed me again?

(Leo's POV)

"Leo, I made your favorite dessert, apple pie, do you think you can have a slice? I know you probably don't want to eat but I got Splinter to help me and got a better recipe and I think I've gotten better. Please have a slice Leo, if Raphie were here he would want you to eat more, and I put more apple's in it just how you like it." Mikey pleaded, turning to him I saw tears forming in his baby blue eyes.

"Sure... I'll have a slice Mikey, hehe Raph would tease me about how much I like apples if he were here. Anyway, how can I not have a slice you made it for me to cheer me up right? Thank you, Mikey." I replied, I smiled and patted his head.

"I'll go cut you a slice then, come down when you're ready Leo." he said and ran off down the stairs.

I have to be strong, Don and Mikey need me and Raph will when he comes home. All my doubts are gone I know he'll come back to me, and until he does I have to try and live my life as normally as I can. If Raph was here that's what he'd want me to do, once he comes back I won't let him go for a while. We'll both cry and kiss then I can tell him how much of an idiot he was and how much I love his dumb-ass.

I left the confines of Raph's room and slowly made my way down the stairs, leaving his room for anything besides training or bathroom seemed almost alien to me now. Looking at the kitchen table I saw Don and Mikey sitting at the table eating the pie. Sitting down in my chair I took a bite from my pie as I felt my younger brother's eyes on me; Mikey was right he had gotten better. A sad smile crept on my face, looking at my baby brothers I let myself forget for a moment Raph was gone so I could smile at them but tears still welled up in my eyes.

"Leo are you alright?" Don asked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I've been such an idiot I can't believe it took me so long to realize what Raph would have wanted for us if anything happened to him. I know now he'll come back no matter what and till then we should try to find happiness again. Raph wouldn't want us to cry over him." I answered, getting up I hugged them both.

"Leo, how do you know he's gonna come back?" Mikey said.

"No matter what he seems like at times that hothead loves us all and he could never leave us, he's too stubborn to die or stay trapped for long. Have faith in him he cares for us all a lot and he will keep his promises, Mikey." I soothed.

(Raph's POV)

Everything hurt; I feel like my stomach's gonna explode; fuck, this hurts! All the doctors rushed around me, but I was in too much pain to care; this is it I'm gonna die. Leo, I'm sorry but I don't think I'll be able to come home, I'm sorry I failed you again. I felt a doctor place a mask over my face and I felt drowsy and fell asleep.

Waking up I sat up yelping as my stomach region felt like it was tearing, I set my hand on my stomach I realized it was smaller now. Where did my belly go; well more like where did the baby go? That pain; I must have been in labor; tracing my stomach I grazed over the stitches they had put in my stomach. 

Looking around the room I saw a small green form lying in the white crib across from my bed. That must be my baby; why the hell do I feel happy?! I should be mad; I should be scared but I'm not I just feel happy. I have to see the baby closer; getting out of bed I slightly hobbled over the crib and grabbed the railing for support.

The baby had the same skin color as me but that's where our similarities pretty much ended. On its head was a full head of dark brown hair, its hands, and feet looked more human like and its tail was just as long or longer than his lower body. Slowly I reached into the crib to touch the child, but I hesitated before I touched its cheek; no I shouldn't touch this thing I have to hate it. Shaking off that feeling I stroked the baby's cheek, it's skin was far softer than mine; touching it again the baby opened its eyes.

Wailing the baby began to stare at me sadly it's red eyes pleading me to soothe it; he has my eye color too. Reaching down I picked up the crying child and began to rock it in my arms; the crying stopped, and I felt it cuddle into and close its eyes falling back asleep. Biting my lip, I tried to keep myself composed; I can't cry, I won't cry because I shouldn't feel such love and joy towards this baby. Tears fell down my cheeks, my emotions betrayed me again; even though I should hate this baby I love it too much.

"I would just like to let you know the child is a boy; name it if you wish after all you deserve that right after all your hard work." the man stated, a name I never really thought about it, so my child is a boy.

"Vincent..." I said, cradling the small child closer to me.

"Vincent, it is."

(Leo's POV)

Raph was still missing it's been about 9 1/2 months since I last saw him; Splinter has pretty much tried to tell us he was dead. I won't let him lead me to believe he's dead; Raph was too strong-willed and tough to die. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid the idea of living out the rest of my life without him. Curling deeper into Raphie's covers I let myself cry silently; I don't want to live without him, but I can't leave Mikey and Don all alone... 

"Raphie if you're in heaven right now could you give me a sign, so I don't have to wonder anymore; I swear I won't kill myself all I want is to know so I can help Mikey and Don. I still love you and if you are up there I want you to know we'll be together for sure in the afterlife, I'll be with you no matter what someday. Till then I love you Raphie..." I sobbed. 

The pain of this last nine months has been like being stabbed through the heart with a blunt rusty jagged knife. The wound was deep and painful, it was infected which added to the pain and it was slow as it was blunt. Cruel and unjustified torture from the people who had taken him from me; my mind was crowded with what if's or just ranting on all things I had done wrong. All I could do was beat myself up for it and try to help Mikey and Don other than that I don't think I'll be able to go back to the old me... That side of me will die with Raphie...

(Raph's POV)

I had slowly gotten used to the feel of clothing and living without my shell, my back and chest were still very sensitive but better than before. The doctors told me that in a week I could go back to wearing my shell if I wanted to which was good news. Vincent will definitely enjoy the feel and textures of my shell, he loved touching rough surfaces. Besides being stuck in this hellish situation away from my family being with Vincent has really cheered me up. 

"Uway!" Vincent called, chuckling I picked up the small infant who began to reach for my bandana tails.

Another thing I was glad they let me keep, without this, I kinda feel naked, even now that I wear clothes I still feel naked without it. All my brothers share this feeling that if we aren't at least wearing our masks that we feel completely naked. In truth, I don't know why I feel that way I just do. Sitting down I began to rock my son in my arms as he played with my bandana tails. 

It took a while for me to sort out how I really felt about Vincent and I discovered that I love him a lot and could never hate him. Now that man who talks to me through the speaker phone I could definitely kill him with my bare hands. 

My legs have been hard to walk far with, sure I could walk around this small room with a good deal of ease to get from one wall to the other but since pacing was out of the question. I have no clue as to why my legs are fucked up, but I have a feeling it has something to do with having given birth to Vincent. I tried to retrain my leg muscles a bit, but it never seems to help; my legs are another reason why I probably won't be able to escape anytime soon. I hope I can get back into shape, so I can get me and Vincent out I miss my family so much, I haven't seen them in almost a year.

(Leo's POV)

It's been a year; I haven't seen Raph in a year! We've never been apart for long periods of time till now, us four were always together or at least not too far away from each other. Raph being gone was such a weird thing to us; Mikey sometimes forgets he's gone and will ask where he is. I do it too when I wake up I find myself looking for him it takes me a few minutes to remember he's gone. Don will forget too, he usually goes to look for him and then realizes his mistake and bites his lip trying not to cry. 

Splinter is still trying to get us to move on, I will never move on he was my little brother and the person I loved I won't give up to him. So now I've taken a habit of using my free time to wander around aimless in the sewer in a too routine search for any sign of him. Which I was actually on right now, I often got lost in thought like this during my search.

"Raph!" I called in a shallow voice not exactly expecting a reply.

"L-leo." a voice replied very weakly.

Running in the direction I saw a very broken Raph trying to stand up on his very shaky legs his wrists handcuffed together. His mask seemed very worn and almost looked an even darker shade of red than before. Running to his side I helped him up, but he leaned on me heavily his legs looking as if they could give up on him any second. 

"Raph are you okay?" I asked, pulling my picklock from my belt I began to pick the lock hurriedly on his cuffs.

"I can't believe it's you, Leo, I was so scared." he sobbed, he looked so lost and hopeless.

"I'll carry you home, climb on."

He wrapped his arms around my neck and I hoisted him up and piggybacked him down the tunnels. He quietly began to sob, it made me cry too, he hiccupped and sobbed more clinging to me like I would disappear any moment.

"I-I love you, Leo."

"I love you too, I've missed you so much, and I promise I won't let you leave us... no me ever again. I'm so sorry about what happened...."

"I get it now Leo, and thanks for looking after me and keeping me from being sent away I'm kind of a hard case. I missed you so much, I was so scared I thought I was gonna die and that I'd never see you again, I was so scared, Leo."

"You don't have to be scared anymore Raph it'll all be okay."

Sobbing again he leaned his weary head onto my shoulder and wept shaking and hiccupping as he did. Who knows what happened to him, he looks so frail like if I held him too tight he'd shatter. He was also shorter than me, he had always been tall, I bet he hasn't eaten much either... I held my head up in a very brave fashion, I'll be strong for him, he was always strong for me now it's my turn, after all, I am his big brother and his love it's my job.

(Raph's POV)

Mikey and Don surrounded us as soon as we stepped into the lair, Leo set me down and they both tackled to the floor trying to hug me. Splinter walked up as they helped me shakily to my feet, he looked at me happily and he looked about ready to cry but was hiding it well. He pulled me into a hug, I hugged back, I may be mad at him for pulling me and Leo are apart, but I think I know why he did it. 

"Raphie where have you been?" Mikey asked, my eyes widened, and I felt my heart race in my chest.

"Raphie are you okay?" Leo said worriedly, I have to respond.

"Yeah, I was in a bad place, I really don't wanna talk about it," I replied Leo, nodded understandingly.

"But Raphie..." Mikey whined, Don smacked him.

"If he doesn't want to tell us then he won't stop being so pushy, Raphie are you hurt anywhere?" he growled.

"Not really; just can't walk that well," I stated, Leo, moved closer so he could be better support for me.

"Or stand, did you do anything that may have happen to hurt your legs?" Don asked.

"No, but I didn't walk for a long time," I answered.

"Raphael are you hungry?" Splinter added.

"Uhuh," I replied.

"I'll go make you something to eat, maybe it is best if you all talk sitting down Raphael's legs look as if they'll give out on him any moment." Splinter recommended.

"Yes sensei," Leo said, he leads me to the couch where I sat down happily. "That better Raphie."

"Yes, thank you, Leo." I thanked.

I was so glad to see Leo and everyone but... Vincent is all alone, why did that bastard leave me chained up in the sewers. Maybe I should ask my brothers for... no, I can't tell them. What if Leo wouldn't love me anymore once he found out the truth, no I'll never tell them. Leo sat beside me, Don and Mikey both piled onto Splinters chair and looked at me.

"Raphie you gonna cry?" Mikey asked, I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I rubbed them onto my forearm hurriedly.

"It's okay Raphie." Leo hushed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"It's been so long since I've been able to see you guys, I just..." I sobbed, I wasn't really lying but I didn't really tell the whole truth.

"Oh, Raph..." Don sighed, he and Mikey walked over and hugged me warmly.

"I'm glad your back Raphie, now I can work on making you and Leo smile again." Mikey cheered, I looked at Leo who held me a bit closer.

"Trust me goofball you'll do something stupid soon and me, Leo and Donnie will all laugh at ya." I teased happily.

"Yeah, the real Raphie is still in there." he cheered happily clapping his hands.

"Glad to know you haven't broken...." Leo whispered, I barely caught it, he looked at me smiling happily.

"Leo..." I breathed, Don and Mikey looked at me happily.

"I'm glad to see you are safe my son, is there anything you all want to do, today shall be a celebration, I will go get treats and maybe you can all watch a movie together to celebrate. That is if you are not too tired my son, if so we could always do this tomorrow." Splinter said he handed me a peanut butter sandwich.

"No, I'm not tired father," I replied, smiling he pulled out our collection of VCR movies we collected from the trash.

"Raphael is there any movie in particular that you would like to watch?" Splinter asked.

"Lion King please," I answered, Mikey happily grabbed the movie and placed in into the VCR and turned on the tv.

"I love you Raphie," Leo whispered in my ear as he grabbed my hand a gently squeezed it.

I leaned my head on his shoulder as I looked at the television, I'm glad he still loves me, I was so scared that maybe he would change and move on because he thought I was dead. Leo, of course, proved me wrong again, not that I mind being wrong with stuff like this.


	5. Understanding

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.5~ Understanding

I felt myself being pulled roughly out of my bed, I instinctively began to kick around for the assailant, I felt something hard and cold be put on my wrists. I saw the guards chaining my hands together and a cloth pressed up to my face. I worriedly stared at Vincent crying in his crib and I weakly reached out for him as I began to pass out.

(End Flashback/Dream)

I shot up in my bed, I was sweating, and I was out of breath, I felt Leo's arms drape around me. I bite my lip as I cursed my faulty memory, that bastard took me away from Vincent in the middle of the night and had his men gas me and take me away. But why, I felt Leo's fingers trace my trembling cheeks as tears streamed down them.

"Raphie are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?" Leo asked worriedly, I turned and buried my face into his chest.

"Leo..." I mumbled as I felt him hold me closer as I trembled in his hold.

"It's alright Raph I'm here you don't have to be afraid your home and I'm here with you. It'll all be okay..." He hushed, I wrapped my arms around him gripping onto him tightly.  
Vincent, I'm sorry... If only I had been stronger I could have been able to take you with me, now who knows what those guys will do to you. Vincent... Vincent!

(Leo's POV)

Raph was in my arms whimpering in his sleep, what could they have done to him, I'm so glad Splinter let me sleep with him tonight he seems like he could shatter if I let him go. Rubbing his shell soothingly I saw no recognition in his expression, even rubbing his shell wasn't helping he would always calm down when I rubbed his shell. What form of hell did they put my little brother through?!

"Vincent...." he whimpered, who was this Vincent. "I... I'm sorry.... Vincent...."

I held him closer as he began to sob in his sleep, I frowned and began to place gentle kisses on top of his head as he shook. How could anyone turn my strong-willed hothead brother into a scared little boy who seemed so fragile? Raph was as tough as nails, what could have happened to make him so scared and sad... I felt a few tears fall down my cheeks as I attempted to soothe my brother.

(Splinter's POV)

Raph sat in the tub as I helped him wash, he had been rather timid since he had arrived home he almost seemed like a shell of his formal self. I scrubbed around his shell, but I felt the soap slip from my trained hands and fall down into my son's shell. Wait that should not happen? Raph realized this and seemed shocked and embarrassed as he tried to act as he didn't realize it.

"Raphael, what happened to your shell?" I asked he looked away.

"It can come off now, the men who took me removed it for a bit." he explained, handing back the bar of soap.

"Well, then Raphael you are going to have to take it off so we can get you clean if that's the case, as long as it doesn't hurt you to do so," I replied he flushed.

"Okay, but close your eyes."

"Of course." 

I closed my eyes as my shy son stood up in the tub, I heard a loud thunk and worriedly I peeked, I saw that Raphael had a large scar on his stomach and a more petite figure. He turned around and quickly hide out of shyness.

"I told you to keep your eyes closed!"

"Sorry, Raphael but I thought you had fallen."

"You saw it didn't you?"

"The scar..."

He nodded and quickly hopped into the tub splashing me a bit in the process, I sighed as he shifted uncomfortably in the tub. I began to scrub his back again as he looked down embarrassed.

"It feels weird..."

"Raphael may I ask how you got that scar and your figure...."

"I'm not a girl...."

"What my son?"

"......"

"What did you mean by that?"

"Promise you won't tell anyone."

"I promise now what is it."

"I'm not really a boy anymore..."

"What do you mean my son?"

"They gave me a girl part down here...."

"Is that how you got that scar...."

"Kinda, I got this from Vincent."

"Vincent?"

"He's.. he's my son...."

"What did you say, Raphael?"

"They made me have a baby father, his name was Vincent I got this scar when he was born...."

"Raphael...."

"I'm not a girl, and... Vincent's still alive father I wanna see him but...."

"But what?"

"They'll all hate me when I tell them, Leo won't love me anymore, Mikey and Don will think I'm a freak... Why did this have to happen, father, what did I do to deserve this?" 

"Raphael, it is a cruel world sometimes you just happened to be unfortunate.... even after all this do you still love Leonardo like that?" 

"Of course I do, I can't choose between him and my baby... Vincent, I don't know what to do father..."

He had tears running down his cheeks and he looked at me for the answers for all his problems. I placed my hand on his head and rubbed it gently, out of all my son Raphael has always been the most caring and loyal this must be breaking his heart. How can I solve a problem like this, I know he and Leonardo are too young for such a relationship but it seems to be the only thing Raphael is gripping onto for support now. 

"Raphael, I do not know the answer my son, I'm sure the answer is in your heart. Keep in mind that I do not want you running off wildly to look for Vincent but when you are older, and you feel you have to do this and have your brothers help and support then I will not stop you. Till then I'm sorry that I can be of so little comfort for you."

"Father...."

"Come on finish washing up so you can go spend time with your brothers."

(Raph's POV)

Father had been understanding and kind when I told him the truth, I watched all my brothers as the practiced in the dojo. I know if I tell Leo he'll probably have the same response but.. I still can't tell him. If I love him why can't I trust him with this, I buried my head in my legs a few tears falling down my cheeks.

"Raphie are you alright?" Leo called, I looked up to see all my brothers gazing at me worriedly.

"I'm okay," I replied, they all looked at me a bit longer before turning back to their training. 

Splinter has seemed less harsh with me and Leo being close, we still sleep in the same room, but I think it's because they all know about my nightmares. We always sit close and hold hands, he can even kiss my forehead with little fear of what father will do. I'm glad it's like this, without Leo being there for me and comforting me I think I would have gone down the same path that I went down before. Tracing the scar on my wrist I gazed at Leo as he moved through his kata's. 

"Raphael, you do not need to sit there during practice feel free to go sit on the couch and watch television or do you need help?" Splinter asked I shook my head.

"I like sitting here," I replied, he nodded and turned his attention back to my brothers.

Everyone is so worried about me, not that I can blame them I have been gone a year and I came back weak and scared. Mikey is always trying to make me laugh, Don will lend me all his novels to read and will read them to me if I want. Leo is almost always by my side he constantly cheers me up and keeps me feeling safe only when they are all busy like during practice do I feel lonely and a bit frightened of our home. 

"Yamen, alright class is over." Splinter stated.

"Hai Sensei!" my brothers replied in sync.

"Raphie what do you want to do?" Leo asked, running to my side he noticed my tears and rubbed them away with his thumb. "Don't worry Raphie you're safe...."

"Leo, can we play cards?" I asked, he smiled and helped me to my feet.

"Of course, come on let's go to the living room." 

He helped me over to the couch where I plopped down happily, he ran off to the toy box to grab a deck of cards. Shifting to get more comfortable I cleared a portion of the coffee table for our card game. I had begun to like playing cards, Leo and I played it since I couldn't play many other games and I kinda liked it. Splinter walked up next to me and knelt down.

"Raphael later I want to discuss with you about what you told me." he whispered.

"Hai sensei," I replied, he got to his feet and rubbed my head before leaving.

"What was father talking to you about?" Leo asked he looked at me worriedly as he knelt at the other side of the table shuffling the cards.

"Nothing just told me that I didn't need to sit outside the dojo that if I wanted I could sit next to him during practice." I lied, he looked at me questioning if I told him the truth.

"You know you don't have to lie to me." he stated.

"Fine... he wants to talk to me later, don't go and nag him about it though, I think he's just worried about what happened to me that's all." 

"You know you can talk to me too if anything is bothering you, I wanna help you too." 

"I know Leo, honestly I doubt I'll tell him anything, I just wanna forget what happened for now."

"I understand, what you want to play."

"Go fish please."

He dealt out the cards, why can't I tell Leo he'll probably see Vincent as his son too. I'm still scared that he'll hate me or am I scared he'd run off to save Vincent for me and get killed or be in that hell I was in. Looking up Leo smiled at me and I smiled back, how long can I ignore this nagging feeling in my chest. I'll come for you as soon as I can Vincent.

(Leo's POV)

Raph seemed quieter today, he seemed deep in thought every time I asked him what was wrong he told me it was nothing. Maybe it has something to do with that Vincent person he mentioned in his sleep. Should I really bring it up, he told me he's rather forgotten and I don't wanna bring back bad memories for him. 

He sat next to me snuggled up in a blanket as we all watched cartoons, he seemed easier to get cold since he came back. Which was odd because Raph had been the most resilient to the cold out of all of us, he leaned onto me as I gazed at him. He seemed so different I mean he was smaller than me and his body were smaller, and all his muscle had almost completely disappeared. His arms were thicker than his legs, this has to be one of the only times Raph has ever been smaller than me he had always been taller and stockier.

"Leo can you hold me?" he asked in a hushed voice, I complied and wrapped my arm around his small frame.

"That better Raphie," I replied, he nodded and smiled at me softly.

He looked so cute like this, I mean I always felt like the girly one but now I felt like the man and wanted to protect him. He needed me now unlike before when I needed him, he does all the things I used to. Seeing Raph like this so easy to cry and need help was so unfamiliar and sad yet at the same time it made me fall for him a new way then it had been before.

"Raphael, may I speak with you now?" Splinter asked Raph left my embrace.

"Hai father, be back soon guys," Raph replied Splinter, held Raphael's hand as they headed toward his room. 

If he does one thing to make Raphie scared, I swear I'll never let him near Raphie again. I don't want to see Raph all scared again or sad, not now not ever.

(Raphael's POV)

"Raphael, I wish to know what plans you have for finding Vincent?" Splinter asked I put a hand on my stomach biting my lip.

"I don't know father, I want to run out and rescue him as soon as I can walk but.. I don't wanna hurt my brother again by running off without saying anything. Vincent needs me I know he does but I doubt I could save him now, I keep trying to tell Leo, but I can never say it no matter how much I want to. I feel if he doesn't hate me he would run off to save Vincent and get hurt, die or endure the hell I went through. I feel like a part of me is dying slowly every day I am away from Vincent. I don't know what to do father, I almost find myself wishing I never returned..." I explained, he sighed and looked at me sadly.

"Raphael, I can understand how you are feeling being away from Vincent; when you were gone I felt a part of me dying as well. But I cannot just let you run off to save Vincent, my son you must understand that you would most likely die or be recaptured if you did that. I know it may sound cruel, but I want you to keep Vincent a secret from Leonardo and forbid you to run off to rescue him till I feel you could succeed."

"I know your right father, but it scares me that he may not have that much time or that he could already be dead or abandoned just like me and left for dead. All these what if's running through my head I can't take it. If Leo wasn't comforting me I'm sure I would try to kill myself again."

"Please be strong Raphael I promise when the time comes if you need my help I shall help you in any way I can but till I feel your ready I want you to try and move on as much as you can."

"I'll never move on father, I'm sure I'll think about Vincent every day till I have him in my arms again."

"Please don't do anything rash, my son, no father wants to bury their child, I'm sure you understand that."

"Yes, I feel the same way, but I feel I may never get to see his body if he his dead or get the bit of closure a burial could give me."

"I hope that doesn't happen, my son."

(Flashback Raph's POV)

I feel like I am slowly understanding father but honestly, I still wanna hate him, being with Vincent has helped me see it through his eyes. He was worried that if anything broke me and Leo up beside a forced on would cause us to hate on another or that in battle we would forget about Mikey and Don. I would die to protect anyone of my siblings, I can only imagine how much it pains him that I'm gone. I can't imagine how I would feel without Vincent. 

Turning to look at Vincent asleep in his crib I smiled, I cared for Vincent with all my heart, right now he was my world. I'm sure he's the only reason I have given more thought to the value of my life and how I wanted to not take any risks to escape here. If I die who knows what they would do to Vincent or if they killed him, I would probably be unable to move on if he died.

"I love you, Vincent," I said softly, reaching down into the crib I stroked his soft cheeks.

"Who knew you could be so sweet." the man teased over the speaker, I shook off his insult as I stared at Vincent.

(End Flashback)

(Leo's POV)

Raph curled up to me he had developed odd sleeping habits, he liked to keep on hand on his stomach and his snoring had softened. Also, he had become a fairly soft sleeper, I could wake him up with ease, but I learned ways to keep asleep when I shifted or just watched him sleep when I couldn't. He also developed a habit of rubbing the scar on his wrist when he was deep in thought. Before he tried to cover it up and try to forget about it as much as possible. How much have you changed Raphie and what the hell happened to you?


	6. Passing Time

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.6~ Passing Time

"Raphie are you okay?" I asked he looked up at me from the newest book he had borrowed from Don. 

"I'm okay Leo." he replied, "I'm not crying am I, if so I blame it on this book."

"No, it's just... You've been muttering a name in your sleep, I've just been worried about you..." 

"What I have I been saying?"

"You keep saying your sorry and muttering the name Vincent, I'm just worried that you're in pain and you won't let me help you." 

"Don't worry about it Leo, I'm fine." he replied, but his eyes told me he wanted to tell me.

"Liar."

He got quiet and placed a piece of paper in the book to mark his place. Setting the book down on the coffee table he turned and hugged me. He didn't cry he just hugged me and as soon as I began to hug him back he just let me go and leaned into me as I held him.

"If I could bring myself to tell you I would trust me, Leo, I want to tell you, but I can't."

"Why can't you tell me?"

"I feel I could lose you if I told you."

"What would make you think that?"

"I can't tell you, I'm sorry I just can't."

"If you ever feel you can tell me what's bothering you, tell me and I'll look after you and do whatever I need to do to take your pain away. I swear I won't judge and I'll always love you."

"I know Leo, I wish I could tell you I want to tell you but I'm scared and I can't say what I want to say to you."

"I love Raphie."

"I love you too Leo."

I held him close as he sadly let a few tears roll down his cheeks, my lips gently kissed his cheeks soothingly. How could I have let anything like that happen to him? No matter what I won't let anything like this ever happen to him again, he's seen enough hell already. 

(Raph's POV)

Everyone was training I stood on my shaky legs attempting to walk. I've been home for over two months and I still can't walk more than a few feet. Taking another step, I steadied myself, damn it I will walk. I'll never be able to save Vincent if I don't walk! I began to move faster forcing my muscles to support my weight, when did the dojo ever seem so far away. My feet felt like they were made of lead and my legs were made of string. 

"Raphie!" Mikey, Leo, and Don yelled in sync as I finally reached the dojo.

"I may not be able to join practice yet, but I sure as hell can walk on my own now," I stated proudly, Splinter went over and patted my head.

"Good job my son, we are all very proud of you." Splinter congratulated.

"That's awesome Raphie you did it, I knew you could do it." Leo cheered, hugging me happily.

"Of course, I did it, give me some credit Leo I'm not Mikey." I teased, Mikey pouted and Don and Leo chuckled.

"Once you can run we'll have to race," Mikey stated.

"I'll race you now." I boasted, I went to run but I fell down on my stomach.

"You okay Raphie," Leo asked, helping me up as Mikey laughed hysterically and Don chuckled.

"Shut it!" I growled embarrassed.

(Leo's POV)

Since he can walk again he had convinced me to talk him through the sewers on a walk. I held onto his hand tightly, what if whoever took him is searching for him. I'll never let them take Raphie again, he still looks so fragile even after all the progress he has made. 

"You worried?" Raph asked I sighed and stopped.

"Yeah, I just got you back I'm scared something will happen to you again," I stated, Raph leaned up and kissed my lips quickly.

"No need to be such a worrywart, after all, you’re with me." he soothed, looking up at me his eyes seemed bigger like he had two roses for eyes.

"And you said I looked like a girl," I mumbled, he flushed.

"Don't make me hit you." he hissed, holding up his fist.

"I was just kidding." 

He put down his fist to stare at his open hand shyly, he stepped closer to me and began to lean on me. I have to say this about the sweetest I've seen Raph, look at him he's leaning up against me blushing. The innocent little Raphie being watched by the strong and charming me. Okay, when did I get to Mikey's level of self-praise...

"Promise me you won't leave me." 

"I promise Raph... I'll love you and stand by your side no matter what."

(Raph's POV)

Father pulled me and Leo farther apart as I healed not long after I began to walk again father put Leo back in his extra leader training. Once the nightmares dulled Leo had to sleep in his own room by the end of one year of me being back father had put the walls back up between us.   
It's now two years since I got home, I had a really bad fight with Leo and had run off. I was in the tunnel where they had dumped me, this had become a hideaway for me only Leo knew where it was, but he wasn't going to come get me.

"Hello Raphael." that voice cruely greeted.

Grabbing my sais I held them out in the direction of his voice, I felt my heart speed up and my body trembled a bit. No, I can't be scared, or I'll never see my family again.

"Bastard." I hissed.

"Do you know what day it is today?" the man asked from the shadows.

"What do you want?"

"Always impatient, and how forgetful I thought you'd remember that today was your own son's birthday."

"Hey, you think I had any concept of time in that hellhole you bastard!"

"Vincent come and meet your... father."

"Vincent..."

I saw my small two-year-old son walk up beside that bastard, looking at me he smiled and ran to my side hugging me, I dropped my sais. Hugging him back I kept one eye on him as I picked my son up. He was pretty big now, he hair was short and messy, and his eyes had dulled a bit and were a shade darker than mine.

"Daddy!" Vincent cried happily.

"There must be a catch," I stated, holding Vincent closer in fear.

"A catch, of course, you'd think I'd just give him back to you; no that kid is still of use but I know I'll be able to check up on you if I give you this offer. I'll let you see him on his birthday every year, of course, you'll have to show up and don't even think of running away with him. I would catch you." he answered coldly.

"You bastard!"

"I always make sure I keep my prey in checkmate, so I can get my use from them. Now you have two minutes with him, thanks for your time."

"Vincent, I love you." 

"I love youz too."

"Vincent promise me you'll be a good boy and stay safe." 

"Uhuh... Daddy why you cryin'?"

"I'm just so happy to see you, I'll miss you."

"I miss you too."

"Love you, Vincent, I'll see you next year."

"Bye, bye Daddy."

I held my son close, I slowly let him go after kissing his cheeks, he walked back to Bishops side. I saw a man exit the shadows he put a cloth to my mouth and I fell out of consciousness crying.  
Waking up I choked back a sob, why didn't I do anything. Even if there was no chance I should have tried. Who knows what the monster is doing to him, Vincent... Getting to my feet I rubbed tears from my eye, the I heard footsteps approach from behind me. I grabbed my sais ready to attack seeing Leo round the corner I dropped them.  
He looked at me exhausted a sigh left his lips, looking up at me relieved. Oh no how long have I been gone now, he must have thought I was gone again. New tears filled my eyes, but I hurriedly tried to wipe them away.

"Don't do that Raph I thought you were gonna disappear again." he cried, still out of breath.

"I'm sorry Leo, I'm just frustrated..." I replied he hugged me tightly.

"I know... I hate it too, all this arguing is so dumb…" 

"You know I don't mean to pick a fight I just lash out..."

"I know, trust me I know, you know I pick fights too."

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I do Raph, my feelings for you are still the same, nothing will ever change that."

"Thank you"

(Leo's POV)

Raphael slowly formed a hard shell around his heart, he never says anything with as much emotion as he used to. All these fights must be getting to him, I can barely go a day without me and him butting heads. Don and Mikey have gotten used to it and they stopped trying to stop us, not that I can blame them. We've gotten more violent it's just like before, I hate this he keeps running off and I always wonder if he'll be coming home. It's scary.

"Leonardo is something bothering you my son?" Splinter asked I looked up at him sadly.

"Worried about Raph, he's been distant lately..." I replied.

"I've noticed that too, I've asked him what ails him but he wouldn't answer me. Maybe you would have better luck."

"I doubt it, all we do is fight now, he won't tell me anything."

"What is the worst thing that could happen if you asked him?"

"Getting into another fight..."

"Does Raphael aggravate you that much?"

"No, it's not that, it's just he gets frustrated and he lashes out, usually at me. No offense but that rule is probably half the reason he lashes out, he never lashed out when the rule wasn't in place."

"Everything I do is for your benefit Leonardo"

"Tell that to Raph he's the one who is frustrated."

"But you are the leader, make him understand."

"I can't make him do anything, he won't listen to me anymore you've seen how he is when you leave me in charge of practice."

"Sounds as though you are frustrated as well."

"Why wouldn't I be, I'm always wondering if he'll come back when he runs off he won't tell me anything then I got you telling I need to try harder and be perfect! I'm not a perfect father, I know I'm not the son you thought I was but all I want is to be close to Raph again..."

"I never said you couldn't be close to your Raphael..."

"You keep pulling as father away from each other I think that is you telling us we can't be close. Raph saw hell when he was gone; when he came back almost broken. That's why he's like this he needed me so much he clung to me like he would shatter if he let go and you pulled us apart."

"Leonardo someday you understand why I did this."

"I doubt I ever will."

(Raph's POV)

Leo seemed angry at father today he wouldn't look him in the eye all during practice and once his leader training was over he seemed irritated. Soon he gave up watching TV and began to beat the shit out of the punching bag. Looks like fearless turned into a hothead, that is so wrong and slightly ironic. I should go talk to him, but all we'll do is fight, that's all we ever do now...  
Dropping my magazine, I leading toward the dojo, leaning I against the door I watched him swing his fist at the punching bag hard but with no technique. This is definitely odd Leo behavior what could be bothering this much.

"Leo, what's the matter?" I asked, he stopped hitting the punching bag but grabbed onto it.

"I don't wanna talk about it Raph..." he answered taking another swing at the punching bag.

"I ain't leaving till you tell me what's eatin' ya," I stated, standing in between him and the punching bag staring him down.

"Mess off Raph.."

"You know I hate to see you like this, being a hothead is my job, what you are missing me that much. Hm Leo?"

"I... I do miss you but I’m just mad at Splinter."

"For splitting us apart again, I knew that was going to happen. I'm surprised he let us stay close as long as he did."

"Raph why have you been so distant I feel like your becoming an empty shell again..."

Frowning I hugged him, he hesitated a minute before hugging me back. I nuzzled his chest, I hate doing this, I'm so scared he'll find out that I've stopped being myself. I'm hiding my heart, so he won't find out and I won't lose his love. If he learned the truth he'd a hate me and if he didn't hate me he would never let me out of his sights and I'd lose my connection to Vincent.

"I'm sorry for making you worry."

"If I could have been there for you more this would have never have happened, I hate all the fights we have. I want to go back to the way things were."

"You told me that nothing would ever change your feelings for me, Leo, so don't worry my feelings won't change either we just have to wait this out. After all, that's all we can do..."

(Leo's POV)

Raph came into the lair this is the second time he came home and has almost completely lost the ability to walk. It's like when he arrived after disappearing, last time it went away in a few days. But tonight, after having to piggyback him to bed and lay him down, I mean I'm terrified. He fell asleep almost right after I got him in his bed, I don't care if I get in trouble with father I'm not leaving his bedside tonight.

He was so sweet when I was piggybacking him here he kept muttering thank you and told me he loved softly. As I laid him down he looked at me smiling and right before he fell asleep got me lean down so he could kiss my cheek. Even now as he sleeps he looks so sweet and innocent, just like when he came back.

"I love you," I muttered, I slowly began to rub his cheek. 

Stopping for a moment I kissed his cheek then went back to gently rubbing it with my thumb. Four years it's been, four years since he got home, I still find it hard to believe we're fourteen... Somedays I wish we were still ten, that all this shit never happened. I want that time back to be that little kid who could follow Raph around and kiss him like I used to. Why can't we love freely...?


	7. Crazy days

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.7~ Crazy days

This last few weeks have been so confusing, first our lair is destroyed then the things that trashed our place try to kill woman. Then we help that woman and defeat the guy commanding the trash-can monsters. And we see ninja's in New York; other than ourselves, needless to say, I ain't exactly peachy... Not only did all that shit happen I tried to pound Mikey with a metal pipe.  
Sitting on the rooftop I grumbled a few more choice words under my breath, seriously what the hell is my problem. No wonder everyone keeps their distance, all I do is bring pain and anger. Untying my wristband, I looked at the scar on my wrist, god doesn't tell me I was even thinking of trying to do that again. Sighing heavily, I slowly put back on my wristband; no I'll never make such a dumbass choice ever again.

"Get away!" A woman screamed, getting ready to pounce her assailants I saw a man with a bat and a goalie mask enter the alley. 

Now, this seems interesting, I watched as the man knocked both men back and handing the woman back her purse who proceeded to run like hell. Seems like an ally to me, grabbing a hockey stick with his other hand from the golf bag he had over his shoulder he stood over the men angrily. He began to beat both the men to a bloody pulp, at this rate he'll kill them.  
Jumping off the roof into the shadows I grabbed him from behind holding back, both punks ran like hell. Not that I could blame them this guy was a maniac. Shit he's strong, he broke free from my hold, swinging his hockey stick behind him I dodged it.

"Woah buddy easy, now I like what ya did but there ain't no need to kill them." I lectured dodging his attacks.

"Ya damn freak!" he shouted, getting ready to pummel this asshole I felt him kick me into the trash cans and run off. "Meet me the west end of the central park at eleven on Friday so I can kick your ass   
freak."

"Well ain't this a peachy day," I growled, getting up I whipped the garbage off myself. "Just peachy..."

(Leo's POV)

Raph came home and apologized to Mikey, who was used to this already and accepted the apology even if it was giving roughly. He was sporting a decent bruise on his cheek, knowing Raph he probably got that beating on street punks. Idiot, I don't why he feels he has to run off every time; although today Don and Splinter were real pissed I guess. 

"Nice bruise hothead." I teased, he glared at me annoyed.

"Shut it fearless!" he growled, "I don't feel like kicking your ass right now."

"I'm just teasing you Raph, so I bet there's an interesting story on how you got it," I stated, he looked down annoyed.

"Damn Hockey mask wearing punk..." he muttered, okay what the hell was he doing?

"Elaborate."

"I saw another vigilante he didn't just try to scare off the punks, he was beating these punks to a bloody pulp then he got into a fight with me when I stopped him and let the poor punks go. I think he was crazy..."

"Trouble just finds you doesn't it?"

"Fuck off fearless."

"I'm surprised you ain't plannin' a counter attack," I said, he smiled devilishly. "You already have a counter don't you...?"

"Of course I do, and I have a nice idea for a ride."

"I have a feeling you're going to be bothering Don about this plan aren't you, just make sure he doesn't rip off your head."

"Very encouraging."

"Like I'd let Don do that, he won't kill you, he knows that means I'd be after him."

"Not helping Leo!"

"I'll go with you."

He growled embarrassed and walked ahead of me, I chuckled Raph was so adorable when he was like this. Let's hope Don is a little less pissed off, I don't feel like having to hold back a pissed off Don. He turns into a pretty strong guy when he's mad and doing anything to Mikey just makes him all the more formidable. Even I get a bit scared when he gets mad like that although I can definitely still hold him back and even beat him. Let's hope it doesn't come to that...

(Raph's POV)

At this rate the Battle shell is going to be a pretty sweet ride, I'm happy that I get to do stuff like this. Leo and Mikey were handling the paint job while Don and I handle the mechanics, and Leo says I'm the girly one. Okay, this is the worst time to remind myself of that, now I feel like I should be the one painting. Doubt Leo would have a clue on how to fix this engine and make it better though, so I guess the really girly one wins this battle of manliness. Take that Leo.

(Leo's POV)

I can't believe Raph is already this pumped, he's like a little kid and I actually find it rather adorable. We'll be leaving tomorrow and right now he can't even sit still, Don is up in the garage and Mikey went with him. Splinters in meditation it's one of the rare moments we get alone and all he does and pace around giddily. Not that I mind too much, it's too cute for me to dislike.

"What you looking at?" he growled, I chuckled he was far too sweet.

"Come here a second," I replied, he moved closer and I pulled him into my lap. "You're far too adorable."

"Leo what are you?" he asked in a whisper embarrassed and flushing.

"Is it wrong that I want you." I purred, he flushed as I kissed his lips quickly but with passion.

"Leo, what about?" 

"It's just us for now."

I placed another small kiss on his lips but as soon as I did I heard the shoji doors open Raph jumped out of my hold and began his impatient pace again. Not again at this rate, I'll never be able to hold him or kiss him for a year. Damn, I hate this whole damn rule!

(Raph's POV)

I can't believe it Leo was kissing me on the couch, god then I pulled away, ugh I wanted to feel his lips again and those arms. I'm so the chick now, god when did I want him to do these things to me. Even my fantasy turned into a chick version, at this rate I'll want to wear make-up. 

Flopping on my bed I groaned into my pillow, this is so uncool. I mean I love Leo and all but god I hate feeling like a chick; I used to be a dude! What happened to my manliness; maybe when I fight that damn hockey mask wearing weirdo I'll feel manly again. 

"Raphael?" Splinter said knocking on my door lightly.

"What is it sensei?" I growled opening my door.

"I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a cup of tea?" he asked, okay he must need to talk to me.

"Uh sure sensei," I replied, I followed him into his room and shut the shoji doors behind myself.

"You have been getting stronger I am very proud of you, but I was wondering if you'd let me on why you are being so distant? It worries me to see this, you know you can always talk to me."

"Scared..."

"Of what?"

"Leo finding out the truth...."

"Does his reaction scare you that much?"

"Of course, it does father, it's just...."

"You are hoping that soon I'll allow you to search for Vincent."

"Yes, you've seen my improved skills maybe I can finally..."

"It is still far too dangerous, and I told you only when you had the support of your brothers could I allow you to search for Vincent."

"But father...."

"No Raphael it's far too dangerous."

"Sensei I was..." Leo started opening the shoji doors.

"I shall speak to you in a moment..." Splinter began but I cut him off.

"No actually you can both talk, I was just leaving," I growled I walked past Leo and I felt his gaze follow me as I went back up to my room. 

(Leo's POV)

He had tears in his eyes, I turned to father who looked sadly at Raph as he stormed off. Shaking his head wearily he knelt down and poured himself some tea. Motioning me to sit down I shut the doors and knelt in front of him.

"So, what is it you wished to speak to me about Leonardo?" Splinter asked.

"I was wondering... if you let me be with Raph..." I muttered, he set his tea on his little table and I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"The time is not yet right for me to answer that question, you shall have to wait till the story is told." he stated, what did that mean.

"What story?" 

"You shall understand when the time is right my son."

(Raph's POV)

Finally, this was all over who knew that punk was such a cool like I seen; his name's Casey and I have to say he's fun to hang with. Splinter has pretty much banned him from the lair he's kinda like Mikey he breaks things and well I guess he's just too much for them to deal with. 

Me and him like to go vigilante together now which is usually fun he said soon he'd get me to try beer. It's nice to have a friend to hang with when I run off after arguements at home. It puts some of Leo's fears to rest a bit knowing I have a backup if I ever get into a bad fight.

"Raph?" Leo called knocking on my door lightly.

Opening the door I leaned against the frame, "What's up Leo?" I asked.

Leaning forward he pushed his lips against mine which caused me to instinctively pull back in shock. What could have made him do this, he moved closer and kissed me again. I tried to pull away again, but his arms wrapped around my waist holding me close. Flushing madly, I turned away from his kiss, taking a deep breath I smelled something different.

"Raph..." Leo said again and kissed my neck gently.

"Hands off," I growled pushing him away, don't tell me mating season started.

"Stop that." he hissed pinning me to the wall kissing me again.

Shoving him off me I felt myself getting more aroused, okay I need to get him out of here. Pushing him out of my room and into the railing I slammed my door shut locking it shut. I felt him slam into the door angrily, damn him.

"I don't know who's going through mating season but stay away from me fearless!" I yelled, banging on the door.

"Let me in Raph it's nothing like that!" he yelled, damn lustful idiot god I can smell him through the door.

"It is so now mess off!" I cried, feeling a small tingle of pleasure run through me from the smell alone.

God, he's like a hunter after his prey, god stop thinking of it like that I'm just getting excited. Think of Mikey belching, spiders anything, god why won't he leave me be. I trembled as another wave of pleasure hit me as he banged on my door. Don't let me open this damn door and let that horny son of a bitch in.

"Come on Raph you know you want me to come in." he pleaded, god why does he sound so seductive?!

"Go away you know we can't break Splinter's rule, please Leo leave you're scaring me," I begged, his banging stopped.

"I'm scaring you...." 

"Please, Leo just go away....."

"I-I'm sorry...."

I heard him walk away looking down I saw a tear hit the floor, why am I crying. More followed as I silently cried, was I scared he'd find out I'm pretty much a girl. Was all his banging and yelling making me scared or maybe it was both. I didn't even bother to attempt to wipe away my tears as I leaned on my door shaking as I cried in silent agony.

(Leo's POV)

Leaning against a wall in the safety of my room I looked at my shaking hands in horror, I had just scared Raph. The one person in the world I swore I'd protect from all the pain of the world; I had just made him scared of me. Even now that feeling of lust is still fighting me for dominance. How could I be so rash Raph has seen enough hell why do I do this to him?

Tears flowed from my eyes as I hide my face in my hands trembling at my act. Looking back, I can see why he was so scared all I did was go in and kiss him shove him into the wall when he clearly wanted me to stop and forced him to lock me out of his room. Then after all that all I did was bang on his door yelling at him, that must be so scary for him. 

How can I even apologize for this he's probably still scared, and I can't comfort him because I am what he fears. How long will this one last, will I even be able to apologize to him in the time he would actually forgive it. Before I stormed up to his room I had felt fine then I had walked by Don and Mikey and... wait did one of them go into mating season and trigger me. Was I trying to make sure they wouldn't have Raph just like an animal would do?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Raph." I sobbed.

(Mikey's POV)

Don had been all over me and Leo had run up to Raph's room, but he was soon kicked out, Don had run off to his lab not long after that. That smell must mean he's in mating season and well from his escape act I'm assuming he's still too scared to take me as his own. I should check on Raph he's probably upset that he had to kick Leo out of his room, walking up the stairs I knocked on his door.

"Didn't I tell you to fuck off Leo!" he yelled, he sounded like he had been crying.

"It's just me Raphie, are you okay?" I asked.

"Mess of Mikey I ain't in the mood...." he growled.

"It wasn't Leo's fault Don went into mating season and I guess he acted on instinct to protect you and claim you as his mate, so Don couldn't get you. Donnie explained this to me one day, I don't know why he ran off though he was just about to kiss me..." I replied, the door opened a creak and Raph pulled me into his room.

"Okay explain that last part to me Mikey?" he questioned, I smirked I guess I hadn't told him.

"Donnie and I are in love just like you and Leo just Donnie's too shy to kiss me," I answered he looked at me in disbelief. "I thought for sure that sudden change in hormone would mean he'd try something, but he ran away."

"Good thing, Sensei would have pulled you apart," Raph stated coldly.

"I don't care what Splinter thinks he can try to send me or Don away, but I won't let him." 

"Father says we're still too young and come on even though I'm a gir...."

I looked at him and he was flushing, was he about to say he was a girl or something. No that can't be right I mean Raph's a big muscle-bound dude. Right?

"You were about to say girl, weren't you?"

"I swear if you tell anyone this I'll skin you." 

"What, when?"

"When I was gone for that year, I swear if you tell Leo I'll kill you."

"You haven't told anyone this?"

"Sensei knows but other than him, no."

"Does that mean you can have a baby?"

"Yes... Can we change the subject?"

"Fine."

I can't believe it Raphie's a girl now, maybe Don can turn me into a girl so I can have babies too. Leo gets to be a Dad that so cool, wait I'll be an Uncle that is so cool!


	8. Note

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.8~ Note

I sat up trembling, I could feel my heart racing in my chest as I looked around my room. Relieved that I was safe at home I flopped back onto my bed, then I heard it a soft knock on my door. Slowly I got up from the warm covers and opened the door; there stood Leo looking at me worriedly.

"Are you okay Raph, I thought I heard you screaming?" he asked, I frowned but leaned forward putting my head on his shoulder.

Soon he had his arms around me holding me, I let myself relax in his embrace. All the fear from my dream washed away as he hummed a lullaby Splinter used to sing. It was called the Edo lullaby, this had been one of my favorites along with the Takeda lullaby. Then he began to hum the tune to my lullaby, I smiled all the tension leaving me.

"Lullaby for you and for all, may we all fall asleep tonight, if I fall someone will catch me and I will never fall again. Sleeping soundly under the stars, making wishes for a brighter start. Under the moon, we sing a lullaby for you and for all. Dancing quietly to your own beat, making moves that flow through all time. Singing softly, singing loud don't wake the child that sleeps so sound." I sang in a whispered hushed tone.

"Don't worry Raph everything going to be alright I promise you that the Shredder will never hurt you. He's gone, and even if he was still around I'd protect so you don't have to be afraid alright Raphie." Leo hushed, lifting my head our lips touched this made me feel warm but soon his lips weren't gently pressed to mine.

"I... I love you." I stuttered my cheeks reddening as my words were greeted with silence.

"I love you too, now you going to be alright to sleep alone tonight?" he asked, I flushed more.

"I'm not a little kid Leo, don't look at me like that you didn't have to come in the first place fearless," I growled in embarrassment. 

His lips touched mine again and molded against mine with more passion and gentleness than the last one. I closed my eyes as he began to deepen the kiss, I felt his tongue push on my lips wanting entrance. Opening my mouth, I wrapped my arms around Leo's neck as our tongues meet and began to dance. We parted but there was a string of saliva attaching our mouths.

"Are you sure you'll be okay alone tonight?" he said again, and we kissed again quickly.

"Father wouldn't be happy if you stayed with me, but could you at least stay till I fall asleep?" I muttered, he smiled and hugged me gently.

"Of course, I will."

(April's POV)

I sighed, now that the boys are staying with me this is the first time it's been quiet. Heading toward the kitchen I gazed into the living room and saw Raph sitting on a chair by the window. He was staring intently at his wrist, I silently walked up to him when I noticed a scar over his main artery on his wrist. When did he get that?

"Raph?" I said, he grabbed his wrist quickly looking at me in shock.

"What?" he muttered and slipped back on his wristband hiding the scar.

"What happened to your wrist?" I asked he frowned and turned to look out the window.

"Caught it on something when I was little." he stated, okay now that is a lame lie.

"You know if something's bothering you, I'm always here to help," I added, hoping to coax him into telling me the truth.

"I told you the truth now stop bugging me," he growled, I sighed and patted his shoulder before heading towards the kitchen. Did something bad happen to Raph?

(Raph's POV)

(Flashback)

I dug my sai between the metal and the wall popping it off so we had an escape method. Everyone piled out and Casey and I grabbed onto Leo and carried him out. Picking him up I ran with Casey at my side as the building burst into flames and April cried. I stared down at Leo's bloodied out limp body in my arms; damn idiot.

We all piled into April's van and drove off toward Casey's apartment, I laid down Leo as Don went to examine him. Looking up at me his eyes widened, what was up with him. Mikey leaned over Don to stare at me in shock, okay what was up?

"Raph there's a blade of an ax in your shell," Don stated in shock, I can't feel my shell though... wait they don't know that!

"Really, I don't feel anything," I stated, god this is going to be hard to explain. "Leo needs your help more than me I don't even feel this."

"Donatello tend to Leonardo, I can handle Raphael." Splinter stated Don, nodded sheepishly looking at me still in shock.

Moving over to Splinter he grabbed the blade and yanked it out of my shell all I felt was my shell being pulled back a bit, so it pressed more into my chest. Does this mean I'll have to tell everyone what happened, no I have to tell Leo first but I'm still too scared to tell him? Hell, what if... what if he dies...

"Don... Is Leo gonna be okay?" I asked trying not to burst into tears.

"He'll live, but it will take a while for him to be back to normal, we need a safe place to hide out till this is all over," Don stated.

"How about my grandma's farmhouse in New Hampshire, it's remote and not many neighbors so it'll be a nice place to stay," Casey suggested.

"That sounds perfect Casey." Splinter said, leaning over to me he whispered. "The choice of telling them is yours, my son."

"Let's get goin' before fearless here gives up," I growled.

(End Flashback)

Everyone had gone to bed; Leo was on the couch and Don and Mikey slept upstairs with Splinter while April and Casey bunked downstairs. I couldn't leave Leo's side so I stood looking out the window like I had when we talked to Leo earlier, tears in my eyes. 

Slowly I began to hum my lullaby, please if anyone's up there don't let him die, I love him so much. You already took Vincent from me please don't take him, if I did something wrong punish me not him. I'll take all the punishment I deserve, I can handle hell but please don't hurt Leo. Please I love him so much and I can't live without him, please you already took Vincent and killed a part of me don't take the rest of my heart. 

I sobbed heavily, walking back over to Leo I knelt in front of him and touched his face. I love you so much Leo, you're the only thing holding me together since they took me away from Vincent. I know we fight but you hold the rest of my heart and keep me from trying to commit suicide again. Don't die, please keep fighting Leo I can't live without you!

(Splinter's POV)

Raphael had cried himself to sleep, his head lay next to Leonardo on the couch, his body leaning against the couch. His cheeks were streaked with tear stains and his bandana turned a darker red around his eyes. I laid a blanket across his shoulders, placing a hand on his head I rubbed it sadly. His heart has still not healed, and I fear he could fall apart. I feel he's slowly dying in front of me.

"You can't keep all this bottled up much longer Raphael, please tell your brothers before you fade away." I soothed, sadly I walked away from my sons.

(Leo's POV)

Picking up a piece of scrap metal from the heap in the barn I swung it around; how could I fail! Why was I so weak?! How the hell can I protect Raph if I can't even hold my own against the foot... I swore I'd protect Raph so he'd never have to see this kind of hell anymore. Why am I such a failure?!

Tossing the piece of metal I saw Raph lean down and pick up a hammer I had dropped earlier. Holding the hammer up he looked at me a sad smile on his face. Grabbing the piece of scrap metal he placed both it and the hammer on the anvil workbench.

"How about we stop mopin' around and make you a pair of swords." he stated.

I smiled, soon we were working on a new set of swords he gathered up wood for the furnace and heated up the metal while I pounded into the shape of katana. As my wounds healed I could work more soon we had a full pair of katanas. Before we left the barn Raph pulled out some blue fabric and weaved onto the handles of my swords. Sitting next to him as he did this I smiled.

"Raph thank you for everything..." I thanked he looked at me and smiled.

"You've done the same for me, anyways this is what you do when you love someone." he replied, smiling I kissed his lips quickly.

"Thank you so much Raphie, I love you." 

"Stop being such a sap fearless."

He was so cute when he did this, he blushes like a fool and tries to be all tough. If only you knew how sweet you look... 

(Raph's POV)

I grabbed all the things I would need for our raid of the Shedder's base, pausing I saw a piece of paper shoved in one of my old journals. Picking it up I saw a note, opening it up I smiled sadly.  
'Sorry I've been so mean to Raphie, I love you so much. I don't care what Dad says anymore I wanna hold you, kiss you, and never let you go. I love you more than anything Raphie and I've been so depressed without you. PS. If you're an angel can you give me a sign, so I know where you are I'm scared of not knowing anymore and I promise I won't kill myself I know you'd want me to live? Love Leo' I read, idiot...

Leaving my room, I walked up to Leo's room, knocking on his door I waited for him to open up. Opening the door, I pressed my lips to his quickly, then handing him the note I went back to my room. Such an idiot, but I love him...


	9. Confession

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.9~ Confession

Tossing my helmet onto the cement I growled trying to keep myself from punching the concrete. Splinter was gone. Who the hell took him? Was it the foot? Was it the mystery ninja? Was it him...?

"Raphael Hamato! Answer me! Are you okay?!" Leo yelled from the headset in my helmet.

Picking up the helmet, I pulled it back on, "Yeah I'm fine, just pissed..." I half hissed.

"You can rage later now can you please try to stay focused and not make it sound like you’re in trouble!" Leo lectured, as I got back on my motorcycle.

"Someone’s in trouble.." Don and Mikey teased.

"Stop fighting you guys, this isn't helping Splinter I know you're all upset but try to remain civil," April stated I sighed.

"We get it Ape, now we searched all over the damn city, I mean we searched places we'd never try to go before," I grumbled.

"I know Raph but till we find a hint to where Splinter could be this is the best we can do." she replied.

"April we're gonna find him, aren't we?" Mikey pleaded I frowned, this must be breaking his heart.

"I hope so Mikey..." she stated.

"Don't worry Mikey we'll find him, come trust me everything's gonna be alright." I soothed.

"Are you sure Raphie?" he asked.

"Of course I am, this is only a question of when" I answered.

"Thanks, Raphie."

(April's POV)

Raph seems pretty mature about the whole thing, sure he had a few incidents top side but overall this is nothing new. Now that we're back at the lair for some rest and planning Raph seems, docile. Leo's being quiet, Don has been over planning till he finally passed out, Mikey cried himself to sleep.

"Leo here I made you some tea, April if you want some too I'll bring you a cup," Raph called.

"Thanks, Raph," Leo muttered I could barely hear him with how softly he spoke.

"Sure Raph, and thanks." I thanked, walking over he handed me some tea. "Do you drink tea?"

"Nah, but it'll calm Leo down..." he replied, has he always been this soft and caring.

"You're good at putting on a tough face, who knew you were such a softie underneath." I half teased, he looked at me blushing.

"What you thought I couldn't be nice?" he huffed.

"No, it's just you kinda act like a hardass, odd to see you be so docile." 

"I may be a hardass but I care about my family alright."

Raph has always scared me, he's usually such a hard guy to relate to with his rough coldness. Was this how Raph really was? Maybe that scar on his wrist may be the reason for the personality switch. That scar could only be a failed suicide attempt but what in their past could make Raph consider trying that...

(Leo's POV)

I stared intently at Raph after we found out the truth behind our origins and returned from space he seemed quiet. He scared me a few times he was so willing to risk his life to save Mikey when he fell off the roof. Then he got into a fight in the triceraton jail and grabbed hold of an electric whip to save Donnie. I know this is normal Raph behavior but since we arrived back he's been very unlike himself.

"Leonardo, what are you thinking so intently about?" Splinter asked I turned my gaze away from the living room where Raph was to look at him.

"Since we arrived back Raph has been acting weird..." I answered, Father, took a sip of his tea and gave a gentle smile.

"I assure you whatever is bothering Raphael it will not bother him too long, as we both know Raphael is quite a strong-willed boy." Splinter assured.

"I know but it bothers me to see him act so unlike himself."

"Let the matter go, Leonardo, if it doesn't resolve itself in a weeks’ time then you may interject."

I know father is right, but I really want to know what could be bothering Raphael.. Did something he saw in space scare him? Was it that we barely escaped before the TCRI building imploded? 

(Raph's POV)

I know I have to tell Leo the truth but how can I, why am I so weak. I used to be able to tell him everything, I mean he saved me from myself. Tracing my wristband over my scar I bite my lip since April is staying with us Mikey has been forced to share my room. Let's just say annoyed he's been sleeping on the couch most of the time. 

"Raph are you in here?" Leo asked, getting up I opened the door leaning on the frame.

"What?" I asked.

"You've been acting weird lately."

"You try sharin' a room with Mikey."

"Raph."

"Go away..."

Shutting the door in his face I leaned against the wall, why do I do this? Why can't I just be happy he's concerned, but all I do is push him away. I heard a creak as my door opened, Leo was never one to give up easily.

"Not leaving until you tell me what's bothering you."

"Fuck off."

"Make me."

I glared at him, he was challenging me; I quickly slammed my shoulder into him sending him into the wall right next to the door. Rushing him I pinned him to the wall, my eyes softened as I saw him start to smile. Blushing I let him go, taking his chance, he pinned me to the wall beside me. 

"Leo..."

"Please Raphie, tell me I want to help it hurts to see you like this. I swore I'd be there for you, no matter the distance or how far we're pulled apart... Let me help you."

"I..."

"Raphie! Leo! Movie time!" Mikey called, freeing myself from Leo's hold I raced out of the room. 

(Leo's POV)

Now that April's moved back to her own apartment things have been back to normal. Sadly, that means me and Raph are once again constantly at each other's throats. Tonight, was a pretty bad one too, he had stormed out a bit ago. When I had checked in with Casey I found out that Raph hadn't called him. That hothead decided to go solo; should I go after him.

Stopping my pacing I ran out of the lair, who knows what kind of trouble that hothead got into.

(Flashback Raph's POV)

I felt the pain in my legs as I ran across the rooftops; shit how did these foot find me! I turned my head to see them hot on my tail, skidding to a stop as I reached the end of the line of rooftops. Pulling out my sais I beckoned the ninja's toward myself. Time to show these punks what I'm made of.

(End Flashback)

My body was all bloody and my muscle strained to keep fighting off the endless supply of foot ninja's. Every time I took one out two took his place, I was gonna get myself killed if I didn't find a way out. I should never have come topside, shit I never should of have had that dumb fight with Leo either. Looks like I'm going to leave this world soon.

A few more painful slices appeared on my body; they were carving me up like a pumpkin. I heard a voice shout out something so loud it overpowered the sounds of my battle. My vision blurred, and I began to fall, I felt someone catch me. I let my eyes close as my world faded to black.

(Leo's POV)

I held Raph's out cold bloodied up body in my arms, the foot all fled and my eyes began to tear up. No not Raph, I almost lost him twice I don't want to lose him, not now or ever. Leaning my head down onto his shoulder closest to me I sobbed. If there is a god or goddess please save him, I know he's a hothead and rough around the edges, but he is soft, warm and gentle underneath and I love him.

"You're such an idiot you have to survive because you promised me that me and you could be together again someday, open your eyes! Please wake up Raphie and tell me I'm just being a worrywart; don't you dare die on me you dumbass!" I shouted, shaking his body.

"Leo." he mumbled in his state of unconsciousness.

Picking up my phone shakily I dialed Don's number, holding it up to my ear I choked back a sob. I heard him pick up and growl at Mikey for annoying him.

"What's up Leo?" he greeted

"Can you get up here, Raph's all beat and bloody I have no clue what building we're on but I don't wanna leave his side can you..." I started.

"Be there soon I'll track your cell signal." he replied worriedly and hung up.

Putting away my phone I sobbed loudly, he had blood dripping from every body-part, nothing looked lethal but he did look nasty. The only injury that worried me was the deep cut on his right leg, it looked nasty and he had weak legs some days already.

"Raph I'm sorry, I should never have yelled at you...." I cried.

"Leo." he mumbled again, and his forehead creased.

"Raphie I love you."

I gently pressed my lips against his, pulling away I saw his lips move to form a word but there was no word with it. Raph was my world, he was my everything I could barely last a year without him. I couldn't live the rest of my days without him. Cursing my actions, I kissed him again and his lips trembled as they met mine, pulling away I tried to hold him as best as I could.   
Please, Don, hurry!

(Splinter's POV)

Walking into Raphael's room I saw Leonardo asleep with his head resting next to Raphael's unconscious body. Raphael has shown no sign of waking up since the boys brought him home two days ago. This was odd even with all the wounds he had received, I have a feeling this slow recovery is spawning from my son's pained heart. 

"Father, you've come up to check on Raph too?" Donatello said, turning I saw my intelligent son looking past me worriedly at Raphael.

"Yes, I fear that something must be causing Raphael's slow recovery," I replied, letting my son in he patted Leonardo's shoulder before examining Raphael.

"Father, I was wondering if you'd ever let them be together again?" 

"Only when the time is right; Raphael is still carrying much pain from his year disappearance. I feel that until he is ready to talk about it that their relationship would not be a healthy one." 

"Were you ever truly against us having relationships?"

"When you were small, time as opened these old narrowed eyes. I had never imagined that me stopping that relationship would have ended with such drastic actions..."

"I'm assuming I can't tell anyone that Raphael's shell can come off."

"So, you've discovered that."

"Speculated for a while but when I was treating him I confirmed my suspicion."

"Do not tell anyone, Raphael will tell you all in due time."

Donatello sighed and walked out of the room, turning I left the room as well shutting the door behind me.

(Raph's POV Dream)

I was sitting on the cold ground, looking to my left I saw myself being thrown into the back of that van. Then it went black, a new picture popped up it was of me rubbing my swollen belly from when I was carrying Vincent. I saw how confused my expression was, I had no idea how to handle the situation. Next, it showed me rocking Vincent in my arms as I gazed down at him smiling. 

Guilt. I let myself be taken, leaving my poor son in the clutches of that bastard. How could I ever let that happen, he was my baby I should have gone right after him. Saving him should be my top priority.  
Seeing the room blacken again I looked in the other direction an image appeared. It was of me crying into Leo's shoulder as he carried me home. Next, I saw me and Leo fighting, then quickly it showed us kissing. 

My heart ached, I was so torn, I wanted to run off and save my son but how could I leave Leo. Then I saw me fighting off the foot and the feeling of loss and anger washed over me. No. I won't give up, I'll rise up and keep fighting. No more guilt, I will save Vincent, and I'll get to be with Leo again. Though I know when I get up I still won't be able to tell him, I will keep trying. Soon I'll be able to tell him, soon I'll be strong enough to face reality.

(End Dream)

Opening my eyes, I looked wearily to my bedside to see Leo's head resting on my bed. He had a blanket draped over his shoulders, most likely put on him after he was asleep. Rolling over, groaning as my movement brought pain I rubbed his head.

"Leo... the truth is I'm a girl now, I have a son named Vincent please help me save him," I whispered, he stirred, and his eyes opened.

"Raphie you're awake!" he cried wrapping his arms around me. Did he hear me?!

"Leo, did you hear me?" I asked he shook his head.

"I heard your voice but I didn't catch what you said."

"I said...... I love you a lot, and wanted to thank you for saving me again." 

"No problem, I'm just glad you're alright."

Why?! I had the perfect chance to tell him the truth and I don't! Frowning at my actions, I felt his lips touch mine. Melding against his kiss I felt his hand cup my cheek. Next time I'll tell him...


	10. Shush it's a secret

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.10~ Shush it's a secret

"Yo Raphie-boy!" Casey yelled, I smiled and we high-fived, or my case a high-three.

"I'd chest bump ya if I could get out of bed," I stated, he smirked.

"How long you stuck in bed for buddy?" he asked, I sighed.

"Another week then I'm home stuck for another week after that," I answered.

"That's shitty man, I didn't even get you to try beer yet."

"Ya're actin' like I ain't gonna get topside again, I'll be out in two weeks unless Don finds something else wrong."

"Why didn't you call me, when you and Leo have a fight you always call me."

"Wasn't thinkin' I guess, I was just so pissed off."

"Wanna talk about it."

"Hell no; I bet Ape or Leo put you up to this anyway."

"Duh, but you did give us a scare dumbass."

"I know, I seem to do that a lot..."

"Guys like us do that, hehe, we cause a lot of trouble."

"You ain't got nothin' on me."

We both laughed, he turned and punched me lightly in the shoulder. Punching him back we chuckled again.

"Call me next time buddy."

"I will."

"You think I could sneak some beer past the guys for you?"

(Leo's POV)

"I told Casey to make sure Raph called him next time he heads out, although from the look on your face it's not going to be anytime soon." April soothed, I smiled.

"Once he can move with ease he'll be out of here before anyone could stop him," I stated April chuckled at that.

"I guess you're right, Raph definitely doesn't like to be keep in the lair," April stated.

"Hard to believe that Raph ever had that bad experience topside..." I muttered, damn did I say that out loud?!

"What happened?" April asked, sighing I shrugged.

"Dunno he never told us, all we know is that he disappeared for a year and when he came back he was timid and thin... None of us know what happened to him, he's chosen to forget about it I guess." I answered, "don't tell him I told you, he doesn't like people to pity him, so he decided to never speak of that year ever again."

"That would explain the personality," April said I smirked.

"Nope he had this personality before, the only difference was the control he had over his temper and what he does when he gets mad." I replied, "he used to be more open too..."

"Raphael sure is strong, at first he seemed so hard to follow but when we were at the farm-house I saw how gentle and caring he could be."

"Would you believe that's how he always used to act, of course, he still had that temper and sarcasm."

"Hehe. Did you two get along back then?"

"Yep, we were inseparable, although we did bicker. Raph was always acting so tough, he acted more like a big brother than I did. Then one day it all changed, and we began to fight."

"You still want to be close to him like that, don't you?"

"Yes. Raph does too I think, but something happened that we can't undo. Till that's mended I don't think we'll ever stop fighting."

I felt April's had on my shoulder and she smiled at me soothingly. I smiled back, the burden felt a bit lighter, it was nice to get some of that off my chest.

(Raph's POV)

Twirling my sais in my hand absently I stared at my wall completely and utterly bored out of my skull. I would rather listen to one of Mikey's stories than just staring at my wall. Ugh. I know Splinter refused to give me a tv out of punishment for getting myself in trouble. It's not like I planned to be attacked by foot ninja, I just went for a run to clear my head.

I heard a knock at my door, "come in," I said.

The door creaked open and I saw Don holding up the first-aid kit. I guess he needs to replace my bandages, sighing I waited for him to reach the bed before removing my blankets and hanging my legs over the edge of my bed.

"Care to tell me about why your shell is not attached anymore?" he questioned as he began to remove my bandages.

"You don't need to know," I growled I heard him sigh heavily.

"I'm not saying this just as your little brother but as the closest thing to a doctor we have. Whatever happened to you that year you were missing is sure to have effects on not only your body but on your mind too. Mind you I'm not telling you to spill everything, but can you please tell me anything will greatly affect your well-being." he stated, I frowned. "But as your little brother, I feel the need to tell you that if you did spill everything. That I doubt any of us would pity you or at all feel hatred or disgust from you. We all missed you and we were so happy to get you back, none of us could every hate you."  
I stared at him for a moment before looking down as a few silent tears filled my eyes. He continued bandaging my wounds as composed myself again.

"Donnie, thanks... Can I tell you something...?" I replied he nodded giving me his full attention. "That place I was in.. well they used me as an experiment..."

I looked at his face as his expression turned to horror before I could mentally curse myself he drew me into a brotherly hug. Wrapping my arms around him I hugged him back, much like I had done when we were kids. Letting me go I pulled back soon he was continuing his job of wrapping my wounds.

"Raph thank you for trusting me, I promise I won't tell anyone." he stated, as he finished wrapping my wounds.

"Yeah don't pull a Mikey on me." I half-teased, he smiled before patting my shoulder and leaving the room.

(Mikey's POV)

I opened Raph's door a plate of some freshly made cookies in hand for the most likely totally bored Raphie. Looking at him I saw him glance up at me from the book he was reading; okay since when did he read novels?

"Didn't know you read books without pictures?" I teased, he glared at me.

"Haha, goofball. I used ta read ya this book when we were kids," he replied, flopping on the chair by his bed I held out the plate of cookies.

"Was it called?" I asked as he grabbed a cookie.

"It was the book of fairy-tales an' fables, you always made me read Cinderella cuz ya wanted ta be a princess." he answered.

"I remember, Donnie always liked the prince and the pauper, Leo liked that scorpion and the frog fable. I bet your favorite was Robin Hood or Excalibur."

"Actually I preferred beauty and the beast."

"Is that the girl in you talking?"

"Don't make me hit you!"

"Sorry sheesh... So why was it your favorite?"

"I saw myself as the beast I guess... I'm surprised you didn't spill my secret to everyone."

"I'm not that cruel telling everyone would be making you April's girlfriend to shop for. You in a dress would be the scariest thing on the face of this planet."

"I would be offended but I never want her to make me wear a dress."

"So if you and Leo get back together could you every have a baby?"

"Technically yes."

"Technically, come on you'd make a great parent."

"For the moment Mikey, I could never think of having a kid, even hypothetically."

"Why?"

"Just drop it alright!"

"Sheesh, touchy... I wish I could be a girl just like you, then me and Don could have cute little babies and.."

"Get out."

"Why?"

"Just get out, now!"

"Alright fine."

Grabbing the plate of cookies I left his room, slamming the door shut for good measure. What's his deal? I was just saying how nice it would be able to have kids like him... Wait, Raph became a girl when he was missing could whoever have done that tried to make him have kids! What if...

Turning back to stare at his door, I ran back into the room dropping the plate of cookies. Before he could yell to kick me out I wrapped my arms around him giving him the best hug I could manage.

"I didn't mean to cross a line, I'm sorry Raphie."

"Get offa me, ya don't know what ya're talkin' about!"

"I'm so sorry..."

"Idiot! You're such an idiot..."

(Raph's POV)

I shifted as I laid with my head resting on Leo's shoulder, me and him haven't said a word to each other. All we did was he gave me a hug as he entered sat next to me on the bed and I leaned my head on his shoulder. He didn't really need to speak his presence was comforting enough for me.

"Raph please be more careful." he muttered, I frowned.

"I will Leo, I just wasn't thinking too clearly," I replied.

"You never are when this kind of stuff happens."

"I guess that's true. Man, I'm an idiot."

"That's for sure."

"You're not supposed to agree with me ass!"

"Haha, why argue with the truth."

"Bastard!"

Angrily I leaned back and shoved him off the bed, turning around he poked one of my wounds on my arm. I kicked him in the shine, leaning over he kissed me lightly.

"This is so different from before."

"Yeah, you're twice the annoying prick."

"No, I mean look at us before we had been so cutsie, no we act like a couple from one of Mikey's cartoons."

"Don't compare us to cartoon characters."

"You're so tsundere."

"Mikey's been making you watch too much anime with him."

"Come on you watch anime too."

"Yeah manly ones, like Dragonball Z, or Bleach, not stupid crap like the sailor shit Mikey watches."

"I'm with you on that one I no idea how he can love that show so much..."

"Well, I can think of a reason..."

"Really?"

"How chicks wearing really short skirts doing lots of fighting which moves that tiny skirt around."

"Surprised you notice stuff like?"

"hehe... I love ya Leo but I can very easily understand Casey when we have talks about women. I love ya for who ya are, and I doubt that change no matter what gender ya were."

"Sounds kinda ridiculous to me."

I froze up, is he saying he would love me if he knew that I was... Biting my lip I turned to glare at him.

"You saying it's dumb that love you only for who you are?"

"I just think if one of us were a different gender our personality would be different, so I guess I just don't believe that gender has no role in who you are. Why does that bother you so much it's not like that would ever happen?"

"Allow me one little sap thing but it kinda sounds romantic."

"Aww, you can be a sap."

"Shut up douche!"

"Well I better head out, training is starting soon. I'll come back to see you later my little sap."

I watched as he left the room, I felt myself grip onto my sheet angrily. I can't tell him, he really won't love me anymore! I was right! He'll hate me! Hugging my knees to my chest I leaned my face against them as I sobbed.

"why... god and I almost told too... he'll hate me... I never get to be with him again..." I muttered, choking back a few more sobs I buried face further into my knees.


	11. Persistence

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.11~ Persistence

I let Raph curl up to me as he slept, he's been rather sad since our chat earlier. Did it really bother him that much that I thought gender affected your personality? Frowning I pulled him closer; I mean if Raph was a girl I'd bet he'd be a bit more sensitive and less overconfident. I fell in love with Raph for who he was, and that will never change. I mean he's a boy and he'll always be one.

Sighing I rubbed my hand down my face tiredly, I guess I need to go to bed soon. Staring down at Raph I saw how sweet he looked as he slept with his head buried in my shoulder. He still slept with his hand on his stomach, although his snoring was becoming louder, and at least he wasn't as easy to wake up.

"Night," I whispered, kissing his forehead.

Laying him down by himself I crawled out his bed stretching. Leaving the room, I walked toward my own room, I'm sure he'll be fine tomorrow, Raph can be sensitive about a few things. Although that sensitivity helped him write those songs he used to sing me. Smiling I began to hum our song as I entered my room; he'll be fine tomorrow.

(Raph's POV)

I sat in bed staring at my scarred wrist; my biggest mistake has always been this. Don't let it be being turned into a girl; not something I had almost no control over. I hadn't meant to get myself dragged into this. Touching my shell above where my scar was; don't let me regret this.

Closing my eyes tightly I clenched my hand into a fist, fuck everything don't make me wish I had succeeded in killing myself. Don't make me wish I wasn't here, don't make me hate myself again. I let tears fall down my cheeks, sobbing I choked on air. 

A bony hand rested on my head gently rubbing it; father. Not even opening my eyes I hugged him tightly. He began to hum an old lullaby he used to sing to us when we were small. A sad smile crept onto my face; I had sung this to Vincent when he got upset. 

"Father." I croaked.

"Yes, my son." he replied.

"Have I changed a lot since I returned all those years ago?" I asked.

"No, you have only matured my son." he answered.

"Father, why do I hate what I am so much? Being like this allowed me to have Vincent; why do I hate it so much? Even if Leo won't accept me for what I've become shouldn't I still feel happy to have had Vincent?" 

"You still love Vincent do you not?"

"Of course."

"Then you can hate the circumstances that he was brought into this world all you want. You can regret not having him in a better time and place because my son, that only means that you feel sorry for the things that have and are happening to him. As for Leonardo, until you reveal everything you will never truly see his point of view, views can change from a make believe the idea to reality."

"Thank you... I needed to hear that so much."

"Anytime my son, I am glad to ease your burden."

(April's POV)

Entering the guy's lair, I saw Casey make a beeline for Raph's room as always. Seeing Leo, I went over to him offer the bag of groceries I had gotten for them. He smiled and took the bag.

"Thanks, April." he thanked, I smiled back at him.

"No problem Leo, so how's Raph been doing? I doubt he's happy that he's recovering so slow." I asked.

"He's taking it better than I expected him to, although he is getting really bored." he answered as he began to put away the groceries.

"How much longer is he going to be cooped up?" 

"A few more days in his room then he can move around the lair for a week or two till he can go topside."

"Leo have you tried talking to him lately?"

"Yeah, we were getting along good for a bit but I don't know what I did but he hasn't talked me that much anymore. I think he's angry at me about something, but I don't know what."

"Have you tried asking him?"

"Last time I tried that he told me to fuck off..."

"Leo, I may not know Raph that well but I think if you ever want to get along with him you have to stick to your guns on some things. If he's upset at you don't stop asking till you get an answer."

"I don't want to ruin what we have..."

"Leo sometimes you have to make someone angry to cure old wounds."

"But."

"I'm just giving advice, you don't have to use it, but I think it might help you."

(Raph's POV)

Curling up in my covers I looked around the room bored out of my skull, hearing a knock I quickly sat up. Who could that be, it's pretty late. 

"Come in," I said, the door creaked open and I saw Leo enter. "What you are doing up?"

"Just wanted to talk to you," he replied, sitting down next to me on the bed. "What did I do to upset you? I know you don't want to tell but I can't make it up to you until I know what I did. You know I would never upset you on purpose."

"Didn't I tell you to stop asking me that," I growled.

"I'm not gonna stop until you tell me what I did to make you so upset." he stated, growling I glared at him.

"Fine, didja ever think that year of being away might have changed me?! Made me different! They did things to me I can't reverse! Do you know how scary it is to think that there would be some changes that happened that I think you may stop loving me for!" I yelled, standing up I looked down at him as I tried to keep my emotions in check. "I want to tell you what they did to me but I am scared that'll you'll leave me! I didn't want any these things to happen, but they did! That I just might be... Get out! Get the fuck out!"

Leo looked at me in shock as I could no longer keep my emotions in check. Falling to my knees I sobbed heavily, why did he have to push me? 

"I'm sorry, I don't what I said that made you hurt so much. I take it all back, no matter what they did to you I know who you are. You're Raphael, and I love you with all my heart." he apologized, I felt his arms wrap around me. "I love you no matter what."

"They ripped off my shell..." I started, sniffling I wrapped my arms around his neck as he held me. "They did something to me, I don't know what they did... I was so scared... I have a vagina now, and.. oh god... They made me have a baby.. I loved my son so much... They took me away from him and left me in that tunnel where you found me... It hurt so much, more than anything else ever did... All I could think about was you and my baby... Leo, I couldn't protect him... Who knows what they're doing to him!? I'm scared..."

I sobbed heavily as I clung to Leo, his arms held me tighter and I could hear him crying too. Finally, I told him, I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders as I sobbed into his chest.

"I'm sorry... You've gone through so much... Please forgive me for what I said.. I didn't mean it... No matter what I will do everything in my power to get your son back... If you'll let me.. I'll be his father..." he pleaded, pulling back enough to see his face I smiled at him through my tears.

"Thank you.. you don't how much I needed to hear this from you... When I was pregnant I always thought of him as our son, I wanted you to be his father. I wish he could have born here with you there..." I thanked, sniffling I kissed his lips.

He deepened the kiss instantly putting his hands on my cheeks, and poking his tongue to my lips. Opening my mouth his tongue explored my mouth making me moan before I met his tongue with my own. Our tongues danced for a bit before we pulled apart to gasp for air.

"I love you so much." he hushed.

"I love you too!" I cried, he pulled me into another gentle, comforting embrace.

"Does anyone else know?" he asked.

"Don figured out when we were patching me up that my shell comes off and Mikey knows I'm a girl... Father knows everything... He said we could be together, he said he felt terrible for why he broke us up back then. It was for our benefit, we wouldn't have grown up right if had kept our relationship the way it was..."

"What's our son's name?"

"Vincent... I named him Vincent."

"Please tell me how you felt when you were pregnant?"

"Sometimes it hurt really bad. Other times I was just tired, really tired; sometimes I would feel sick too. It was scary, especially hearing the doctors at that horrible place being amazed at every check-up that I was still alive. But there were sometimes when I wasn't in pain or sick, or tired; in those moments I would just lie in bed and rub my big belly. I would sing the lullaby I always used to sing. It made me feel at home, and safe; kinda like you were right next to me."

"Oh, Raph..."

"Sometimes I would imagine you there with me... Or that by some miracle you would show up and save us... At first, I thought I hated Vincent, but I couldn't. Every time I felt him move inside me my heart melted, I wish you could have felt his first kick... Or been there to see him born, he was so cute, they did things to him when he was in me. He didn't look like us, he had hair on his little head and his tail was longer like a lizard or something... But he so beautiful... I wish you could have been there when I would rock him in my arms as he slept..."

"He sounds wonderful..."

Leaning more into his chest I felt my eyelids become heavy. Closing my eyes, I leaned more into his warm chest, I felt him pick me up and lay me down on my bed. I was just about to tell him to stay as he laid down next me covering us both up. He pulled me into his chest. Smiling I let myself drift to sleep in his arms.


	12. Happy ending?

TMNT: Lullaby for Leo  
Ch.12~ Happy ending?

Holding him closer I tried to keep myself from crying, I must have said so many things that hurt him over the years. When I asked about Vincent when we were younger... god, he must have been so hurt and scared. Kissing the top of his head I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

"I'm sorry..." I muttered, "so sorry..."

Those habits he had when he came back; it seems so obvious now. His hand over his stomach, light sleeping. It made so much sense, his weak legs, more sensitive demeanor, muttering Vincent when he slept, his worriedness about telling me. God, I feel so stupid for not noticing.

He muttered something incoherently shifting in my arms. Leaning down I kissed his forehead, I need to be strong for him. Protect him from getting hurt like this ever again. Give him the happy ending he deserves.

(Raph's POV)

I started to become aware of the world, first I felt the warmth that surrounded me, then the arms wrapped around me. Smiling I snuggled more into the warmth, not caring how long I had laid here. All that mattered was I was warm and safe in Leo's arms, opening my eyes a tiny bit I saw that Leo was still fast asleep. Mumbling incoherently, I snuggled closer to Leo's warmth.

Wait! Leo knows everything! I jumped up in bed, looking down at Leo who was now beginning to wake up. I pulled my blanket over my face, I can't believe I did that. Everything going to be different now.

"Morning Raphie, come on no need to hide." he cooed, pushing the blanket off my face to kiss me sweetly.

"M-morning yourself... So, nothing changed, right?" I replied nervously.

"Not unless you want it to, what happens next is up to you. Just know I still love you with all my heart." he soothed, I flushed completely pulling the blanket back over my face which made him chuckle.

"I'll tell Father but... I don't think I can tell everyone else yet." I muttered, he pulled me into a comforting hug.

"Tell them when you feel ready, I'm just glad you told me." he hushed, I wrapped my arms around his neck letting the blanket fall off my face.

"Thank you, Leo, you have no idea how much this means to me."

"I know, I love you Raphie."

"I-I love you too."

"I better go down for training, try not to get too antsy in here."

"It would help if you guys would actually let me leave my room, I'm a lot better now; I'm not a cripple."

"I know, but you did give us a scare, and we all know as soon as we let you out of your room you'll be demanding to go topside."

"Tch. What are you guys physic now?"

"No, we just know you. Try to have a good day."

"Fine."

He got out of the bed and stretched before turning back to me, smiling he kissed my forehead. Jeez, he's such a sap; although it's not that bad, I guess. I watched as he gave me one final glance before leaving my room.

Sighing I flopped back onto my bed, I turned my head to examine my left arm. Almost all the wounds had healed, there was only a bit of bruising and some minor cuts left. He shouldn't be such a worry wart.. but I guess I was pretty bad when he saved me. I was practically lying in a pool of my own blood; frowning rolled over to bury my face in my pillow for a moment.

Okay, he had every right to be worried, I'm a suicidal moron who seems to get into life treating situations far too often. Sighing again I paused; it's a wonder they give me any alone time. Sitting up I grabbed a scribbler from under my bed. It had a lead pencil shoved in the rings and a red cover. Pulling out the pencil I opened it to a blank page.

'Moments fleeting in my head, Star's are rising overhead, A passing glance fades away, tomorrow never seemed so far away. Do you wish upon a star, Hoping for forgiveness, Trying to find a way out, Trying to find a way out, Do you wish upon a star, Pleading for another day, Just to find no hope, Just to find no hope? Wounds of long forgotten past, haunting your night's dreams, Care to dance under the stars, for the last time in your life. Do you wish upon a star, Hoping for forgiveness, Trying to find a way out, Trying to find a way out, Do you wish upon a star, Pleading for another day, Just to find no hope, Just to find no hope. My aching bones cry to you, My mind can no longer be saved, just a barren womb, tore from a mother's waist. Do you wish upon a star, Hoping for forgiveness, Just to find no hope, Just to find no hope.' I wrote.

Frowning I realized how long it has been since I could write a song about love. Should I even try to write one... sighing I tried to think just about my love for Leo. Smiling I thought about how it felt when we kissed, or when we would simply hold each other.

"Soft lips do caress, always chastely and warm, love so warm I need not the sheets, just my lover to hold. Caring words spoke in whispers, blushes coloring my cheeks, long cold winter nights full of intimacy. Lovers warmth do tempt my nights, soft words do tempt my brain, seething need of a lover's plight. Sickened but not pleading cure. Shall I sing of love tonight, or dabble in devil's brew, simple words do twist my heartstrings. May the winds always blow you back to me." I sang under my breath, smiling I wrote down what I had just sung.  
It wasn't the happiest love song, but at least I know my heart can feel again. Something about all these years apart and the loss I've been living with all these years I had thought I would never heal. Placing a hand over my heart I smiled a bit, I only need to have Vincent back.

Vincent. What is the day today? Frantically I grabbed my phone and checked the date, my eyes widened. It couldn't be, not tonight, today couldn't be Vincents birthday! I gripped the sheets biting my lip, how the hell could I get out to see Vincent?! Even if I told Leo he would never let me go.

Vincent, if I don't get up there who knows what will happen to you? He could kill you; I couldn't handle that not when I was just starting to feel better. All I could picture was his small form lying motionless in a pool of blood that sick bastard telling me that I should have come. Vincent. Vincent!

(Mikey's POV)

"Good morning Raphie!" I called, swinging Raph's door open a bowl of cereal in hand for him.

"Why do I have to be so weak..." he muttered, he looked pretty upset, I set the cereal on his dresser and walked over to place a hand on his shoulder.

"What's wrong Raphie?" I asked worriedly.

"He'll never let me go, but I can't miss this.. Vincent..." he continued, he looked completely out of it.

"You're scaring me, bro, come on talk to me." I pleaded shaking his shoulders trying to make him look at me.

"I'm going to fail him again." he cried, I watched tears fall and fill his eyes.

"Raphie! Look at me, your home bro! I can't help you if you won't talk to me!" I yelled, desperately shaking him to knock him back into reality.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry..." he mumbled repeating it like a prayer.

"Mikey, what's going on?" Leo said I turned to see him looking at us confused and worried.

"I don't know, he's acting all weird," I replied backing off, so Leo could grab Raph firmly by the forearms looking him right in the eyes.

"Raph I'm here, look at me damn it!" Leo yelled, "You're home, you're safe!"

I felt Don's hand on my shoulder as I stared at Leo who was desperately trying to get Raph back into reality. What was happening to my brother? Splinter approached Leo and Raph moving Leo away who was starting to get upset as well.

"You boys wait downstairs while I try to calm your brother." he ordered, I let Don lead me downstairs it wasn't till we started to move that I realized how bad I was shaking.

"It'll all be okay Mikey." Don hushed, wrapping his arm around me to comfort and steady me. What is wrong with Raphie?

(Leo's POV)

Don and Mikey left but I couldn't move; this was my fault. I shouldn't have pushed, looking down I felt the tears fall from my eyes. Looking back up I saw Splinter gently comforting Raph, biting my lip hard I turned away.

"Leonardo please leave us." Splinter stated.

"It's all my fault sensei, I shouldn't have pushed him like I did, maybe then he wouldn't have been reminded of Vincent, of what happened," I replied, he looked at me in surprise.

"He told you." Splinter said.

"Last night, he had seemed fine when I left him this morning; I shouldn't have left him alone..." I replied.

"Raphael please calm down, talk to us." Splinter hushed, "Leonardo try to comfort him."

Nodding meekly, I sat at the edge of the bed and wrapped my arms around Raph pulling him close. Closing my eyes, I began to hum our song, he let out a few heavy sobs shaking in my arms. Soon I felt him gripping onto my arms, leaning into my hold, opening my eyes I kissed his forehead as he started to calm down.

"Everything is alright Raphie, I'm here and so is father." I hushed.

"I can't fail him, not again, you have to let me go." he sobbed, "He'll kill him if I don't."

"Tell me what you want Raphie," I replied.

"Vincent's birthday, I have to go see him, I have to make sure he's okay." he muttered, I stared at him wide-eyed, what does he mean?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please leave comments and kudo's. Thank you and hope you enjoy.


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